Slump.

I'm at the lowest low of my life, ever.


The past week itself is evidence of that. So many problems came up, and so many old memories came up, i just felt worse and worse. I even feel disgusted at myself, for letting my old memories catch up with me, reminding me again of everything i shud've forgotten a long time ago.

How.....weak.........

Perhaps it is due to arrogance, or lack of experience, i used to think i am very strong, well, physically at least. And i really was; i was playing high-level sports regularly, i was fit, my stamina was good. I was generally stronger than most girls, and i think, it really shows....and ppl began to wonder abt me...ppl began to think of me as "that strong girl"...

And then setbacks after setbacks began....my life was thrown upside down. Well more like sideways violently. But i experienced alot of things....good and bad. It changed me so much, i can't even recognise myself now, honestly.

Psychological traumas....due to family, due to friends. I totally lost trust in people....i can only trust myself. I used to think, and sometimes i still do think, "i was ruined....perhaps forever."

Add someone who literally break my heart into pieces and then left me to fend on my own.....along the way throwing insults at me and ignoring me. WHyy??? Do u honestly i'm that strong till i can withstand all that psychological torture? I don't even have one single friend to help me get through this thing, and u had ur best friend. I don't have any best friends. I don't have anyone. I never knew i was that weak until it happened. I've seen it in movies and laughed at how silly it looks, but i never guessed it will affect me so deeply too. Hell, even those in the movies have friends who help them through....and i'm all on my on. Hah. Perhaps, even i overestimated myself, just like everyone else....

I was ruined all right. I'm not even sure now where the rest of the pieces of me went.

Now i'm jobless. School-less. Not earning money, basically just sit at home applying for jobs and waiting for news. What's worse, the internet is so helpless here it annoys the fuck out of me. How am i supposed to look for jobs online now that the internet broke? Not only that, i can't even talk to my friends. I couldnt even see what they are up to. Are they well? Surviving in school? Healthy? I can't see anything. And whenever i came online to talk to them i was always nagged to go to slp earlier. OMG!!!! Give me some time to spend with my friends, why can't my parents understand???? How often do i see them huhhhh????

No friends to talk to, fine. U wud've think at least i've my family to talk to. But NO. Never. Everyone has their own problems already. My brother doesn't like me. Dad never talks to me as much as he did to his workers or clients. Mum...she tries to talk, but sometimes we can't because she can't understand my view, and there's that generation gap thing regarding miscommunication.

I'm so alone even when i'm at home...........so so alone!!! Ok wait alone's not the word....LONELY is the word. Sometimes i wonder why i even came back....i knew back there, i had no more reasons to stay, so i left.....but here, now, i still don't know my purpose here much either.

So now i just spend my days watching films, comics, anime on my laptop. Sometimes i watch tv. Other times i play games. I basically did nothing resourceful. Instead i'm adding burden to the household. Dad doesn't say it, and mum avoids it if she can, but i know they feel it.

I'm desperate too u know?? But finding a job isn't easy, especially in my wanted field. I really don't want another admin work, another sales work, and don't even ask me abt accounts. But what choices have i left? I don't have much skill and experience in my wanted field too. WHat can i show to ppl i produced good work? I don't even like my works in uni, they look so.....fresh.

Photography? I'm suffering from artblock too. I just lost the zest....and i hardly get any inspiration anymore. Arghhhhh I'm not even sure what i wanted anymore. I don't even have my own camera, i cant realise those ideas and concepts i have in my mind. Don't even talk abt it with Dad, he's never buying me one. And i really don't want to use mum's $$$, so i hafta buy it on my own. Of course, i don't have the money yet.

I also wanted a new laptop(my current one doesn't even have a graphic card installed, how the fuck am i supposed to do videos, effects, flash vids etc etc?) and a camcorder(for filming...my first love before photography...)....add that to a DSLR and it would amt up to nearly a semester's fees. Where am i supposed to find so much money?

And i'm still owing the university money. 20k for fuck's sake. I dunno when i can pay it off unless i hit the lottery. And i dont even like gambling, so where's the chance in that? Tell you, i hate owing ppl things, esp money....hate it so much. And yet here i am.....put myself in debts just so i could learn abt multimedia.

Being a couch potato had started to show its effects....just the other day i sprinted for a few secs and i was already panting hard....i lost all my stamina....i gained weight from excessive choc eating, i don't even play sports regularly anymore. When i was working all those walking to work helped maintained my weight and finesse somehow, but now.....i feel terrible. For the first time in years....i feel weak and tired physically.

I don't think i'm healthy even....just that other day, i came down with cramps that hurt soooooo much i even gave cold sweat. I sweated so much i was wet all over. I felt close to vomiting, my head hurts, i can barely stand, my legs felt so weak. I thought i was dying.....i've never experienced such pain before. It's the worst ever. I don't even know what is wrong with me...

At the rate i'm going, either i'm going to die of cancer or kidney failure. Cancer because i keep so many things to myself, something's bound to grow. Kidney failure is cos i hardly drink water, and i eat salt like its rice. I know i shudn't be cursing myself.....i don't want those disease too. But...i just felt it, logically.

A friend recently casually asked me... "how's life? friends? work? school?" I answered her.... "no life, no friends, no work, no school.." she was so surprised. She didn't even know i left Kuching, bless her. I can't blame her, she's so far away and she hardly goes facebook. And i don't know if ppl over here talked to her since she left. Poor thing, really. But at that time, i felt i'm so much poorer....

Really. No life, no friends, no work, no school. I'm amazed i could still say it out. I'm so pathetic...i feel so, so lost. I failed in everything.....

If this is not the lowest point of my life, i dunno what is. The worst thing that can happen to u is.....u have sooo much conflicts within u, and absolutely no one to talk abt it with. It's enough to drive a person suicidal or maniacal. Honestly, i don't even know why am i still sane now....i do know that i'm extremely unhappy now. Downright depressed. Sometimes i laugh at the silliest things or joke abt the lamest things just to force myself to laugh......ppl thinks i'm crazy and lame....when really, i'm just trying to forget the sadness i have within myself....even for just one second.

I miss my friends in kch alot...now i cant even text someone just to bug or talk abt things, we're so far away. When i'm down and i feel like singing my heart out, there's no one to sing with me....when i wanna drown myself in sorrow, there's no one to drink with me....i can't even hear their laughter, can't see their smiles anymore....now even going online is such a huge mountain to climb sigh.

My friends are the ppl who unknowingly(to them) distracted me frm my demons....frm betraying myself and jumping back into my pool of old memories....i still remember how i nearly "jumped off the edge" and had a hand dramatically drag me back up from death...that hand doesn't know she did that, even until now. I was saved once...and now....if not for a few certain friends, i might've been long gone again.....

This slump.....i hate it. And it'd driving me closer and closer to being antisocial...i'm mre and mre afraid of dealing with ppl....some things happened recently...it just drained all my energy. I feel an increasing desire to avoid everyone, to run away from everyone and just be with myself. Who am i kidding, really, when it only makes me more lonely.....i dunno, i just dont feel like dealing with ppl at times...and as time goes by, less and less ppl gets chosen by me to communicate with....i'm already beginning to shun certain ppl away....

God....what's wrong with me.....i hope i'm not already crazy. At times i find myself pacing restlessly around the room, thinking abt nothing, or everything. WHy am i pacing endlessly around? I don't understand. I can't even trust my thoughts completely now, for fear they wander into unwanted or restricted areas.

Seriously, to hell with all of these.......why u all bugging me now? I didn't expect such a slump coming back here...i thought i could begin to work and earn money and live on my own but with family nearer now, bt nothing went to plans. Nothing ever follows the plans really. How ironic. Now? I have money problems, friend problems, family problems, relationship problems, work problems, school problems, health problems and god knows what problems next.

Sigh........................................................................................ a friend, bless him, reminds me to smile time to time....but now, i can't find anything to smile abt anymore.  =(((((