709 - The Day I Came "Clean"

Last Saturday, 9th of July 2011, is the day the Bersih rallies are going to take place. Deemed "illegal" by the government, the Bersih group's application to stage an assembly at the Stadium Merdeka was rejected, and they had no choice, but to stage a peaceful rally trying to enter the city and the stadium itself.

What are the Bersih organisation standing up for? Clean and fair electoral reforms. Recent elections conducted in the country over the last few years are blighted by accusations of unfair polling and poll-fixing. It was a whole lot of mess that couldn't be summed up in a book let alone a blog post. The national ruling party UMNO/BN faced a huge 'defeat' after opposition parties won alot of seats everywhere, even as they retained a mojority of 2/3 of Parliamentary seats. A revolution heading our way? BN losing its footing soon? What is the PM and his party going to do now?

I don't wanna go on and talk about how badly the government is reacting to all these political agendas. I'm not going to rant about how stupid i think the "1Malaysia" slogan and all the shit connected to it are. Those are for talks over a cup of tea and with like-minded friends. No, i'm going to talk about the Bersih experience.

I wrote a note on FB accounting my experience through the whole spectacle, but that was just an account of my journey through it all. Not my emotions, the people i met, the distance i ran, the heavy rain, the shouts, and most importantly, the UNITY between the people. To put all these in a singular post in a site where attention span is low, people wud've lost interest halfway reading through. So i trimmed alot of detail, gave a skin of everything.

***

I went at it alone and not entirely prepared(forgotten abt the possibility of rain, didn't check and prepare stuff to counter tear gas), and unlike alot of rally-goers who went there with purpose, to put it simply, i was just being a 'busybody'. The unofficial 'journalist'. I was a neutral; i was at a point in my life where i gave up my country's politics totally, because to me really, their constant bickering and antics and cheap tricks to sway people's alliance is making them the shame of the country in the world's eyes, not to mention being the drivers behind the express that is the country degeneration. My single purpose was to simply take pictures of the event, because honestly, how often is it that i find myself in a 'hotspot' like this? I couldn't just let the opportunity slip away.

So like any storyteller, i tell the story from the beginning; i shot pics of before, during and after the rally. Although they aren't in a preferred proportion to each other, but at least i did it. I tried not to leave out as many happenings as possible. Because really, it only happens once. You capture it, it will last forever....

But you can look at pics, watch videos and can only be limited to imagination....imagine how it would feel like if you're down there with them. And to be honest, being there is a totally different experience. What i felt, right there and then, cannot be expressed in a picture alone. I was living, breathing, adrenaline pumped; the high morale of the marching confident Bersih rally group got to me.

They affected me.

It started when i was first at the UMNO Youth Party group, the so-called "Patriots" of Malaysia. Their noise interrupted my planned advance to the Stadium Merdeka. Their chants, their energy, the way they tried to raise everyone up....the songs they sang(yes, the National Song included), they affected me. But i know and felt that something is wrong. I felt that this shouldn't be the right group i should be supporting, or even watching/marching with them. Something is wrong. Their slogan is wrong. They are shouting "Hancur Bersih!" ("condemn Bersih") even though i felt some pride when they shout "Hidup Rakyat" ("Rakyat Lives"). Yes, Hidup Rakyat means alot to me, because as a rakyat myself, i want the country to prosper and live long, its rakyat living in peace and harmony, and that we as a whole, are proud patriots.

But not under him. Certainly not under this group. They have their own selective rakyat to protect, but definitely not ALL the Malaysians. I'm downright disgusted at myself. Where are the Bersih? Where are my real brothers and sisters? I felt like losing my family, right there and then.

Then suddenly i overheard a media worker that they are just nearby. I was again very excited, like i found my lost family! Blood soaring, i ran in search of them, and finally found them up ahead several minutes later.

The things i did to get to them? Climb a steep, wet slope. Broke into a private property by climbing over its closed gate(because that is the only way to go to reach the Bersih group; police had blocked off sections of the road). Prolly stepped on a couple of people's feet and heard them shout back at me. Gotten pushed by other people as well. But at last, i made it. I caught up to them.

Even tho i didn't start out by purposefully joining the rally, by now i was feeling like one of them. For once my heart felt right! I began to think in terms of "we", like "we marched on!" or "we raised our hands". By now, my heart is beating as one. As one with them.

I didn't chant along, i didn't shout, but i marched forward with them(although it was driven more by the fact that i need to get to the front for some nice pics). I was already having something against the FRU, was silently thinking "now don't you do ANYTHING to us....you can't turn on your own citizens!"

As time goes by though i sensed the breaking point is reached and surely as i guessed, all hell broke loose. The FRU finally threw tear gases at us and forced us to run for our lives. Me coming without any counter measures to tear gases, resorted to covering my face with my bag and shirt. Usually when i smell smelly gases(like fart! LOL) i will not breath thru the nose at all; i will breath through the mouth because if i did i won't be able to "taste" the smell. So i tried and did the same without really knowing the effects of tear gases.

What a big mistake it turned out to be. As i gulped in the now smoke-infested air, the sensation burnt my throat and forced me to choke on myself. I nearly gagged. Because of that natural reaction to outside harm, my eyes opened wide in surprise and it was another mistake: this time the gas stung my eyes. It was sooooooo stinging, i could hardly open my eyes. But i had to, because i need to see where i'm going. I was running away, running for my life.

In addition to choking, there is also the breathing part that is so bad. I felt suffocated, gasping for more air. It gave me more chokes and tears in my eyes as really, there's no air at all. The atmosphere was soaked with the stench and the spread of tear gases. It was raining harder by the second and i was hoping the rain will diminish the spread of the smoke, but it still spread strongly.

People around me were already starting to choke. I heard alot of coughs, and felt alot of people pushing and running away. I couldn't totally watch where i'm going, i just kept telling myself to keep straight and follow the path of people in front of me. One of my hands are on the bag of someone in front of me. I made sure with the force i'm placing on her bag, i won't be pulling or pushing her. In a way, i was steadying her and myself.

Then came shouts behind me to "Stop pushing!" and "Do not push!" There were also occasional "Calm down calm down!!!" "Be cool, relax! Slowly!" I even heard "Ladies first!" Of course, those were shout in Malay. I was touched. Even in the midst of chaos, people still retained some sense and logic and more importantly selfless care in them, to make sure while everyone ran away safely, we ran away unharmed by our own. A stampede is avoided this way.

I ambled a few more meters before i finally thought i couldn't take it anymore, that i was gonna faint and lie down there and be caught by the police. But at the thought of police i surged forward with more determination to NOT be caught by the police. There is a small regret right there and that where i think to myself "look what u got urself into coming into this rally!" but i forced that thought out; i was prepared mentally for a gas attack anyway. My mission now is not to be caught by the police...

It was really hard by now. I've taken the full force of the gas and the pain in my head is pounding. I tried to take deep breaths to slow my own breathing but it was only temporary relief(like 1 nanosecond? LOL). Everytime i open my eyes it was a blur(my glasses are wet and it blurred my already blurry vision) + pain + stinging, couldn't keep my eyes open for mre than 3 seconds. However i manage to spot a man ducking by a water pipe on a wall of the building and i crawled over to the other side of the wall where there is a pot of plant and hid beside it. Up to this point since the tear gas attack started, i never looked back at the police, so i   didn't really knw how close/far they were from me. And i don't want to know either.

The man was taking as much water as he can from the pipe to wash his face and body. I did the same too, not caring if the water from the pipe is clean or not(normally, i'm very sensitive to cleanliness!). He left as soon as i came  and i followed him, doing what he did; take water and wash my face. Mostly dabbled onto my eyes and mouth, and goodness it felt so much better. I was able to open my eyes more frequently now, and my mouth didn't feel as dry. But the nausea is still there...

A Malay woman in front of me was sprawled on a table choking her lungs out.  When i glanced at her i heard a bang and saw someone escaping behind a shop gate just to the side of the girl. I then realise i'm in front of a restaurant! The gate was loosely dropped down and wasn't locked properly(prolly forgot to lock in the chaos of the sudden dispersal of the crowd + tear gas) and i realised it was my only escape route from the horrible tear gas. Quickly i made a dash for the gate and finally found myself on the other side of the doorgate, inside the safety of the restaurant.

I quickly grabbed and sat on the nearest chair i found and took deep, big breaths to calm my own breathing and nausea. There were already a couple of ppl inside. I saw the Malay girl earlier had escaped into the restaurant with me too. I looked around,; it was an Indian restaurant. The counter there is still selling rendang and various meals in economy rice style. I saw some of the people who escaped inside were washing themselves at the sink area in the restaurant. I got up(still dizzy) and tried to walk over and do the same.

A man saw me and came forward putting his hand out for me. I saw in his hands a fair amount of white stuff. Still not coming fully to my senses, i asked blindly "What is it?" My speech was slurred due to the tear gas, but he got me. "Salt," he said, eyes looking at me with concern. Not understanding why he gave me salt, i asked "What do i do with it?" He told me to eat it. "You will feel better.." he assured me. I grabbed a pinch and threw them into my mouth and sat back down.

The discomfort in my stomach eased greatly. For once i was feeling better. Salt! Who would've imagined! I glanced around the restaurant again and actually saw people handing salt out from salt packets they stored in their pockets. So salt was part of the "inventory preparation"! Again i wondered why i hadn't done my homework abt tear gases beforehand. Now i understand why alot of the people were drapping cloths over themselves. Those cloths are not to shield themselves from rain; they are to be soaked with water and to be covered up your face to ease discomfort breathing in tear gas!

As i sat there resting after washing myself up(sharing a moment with the salt-man when i saw him still looking at me with concern, checking if i'm okay. I smiled back at him assuring him i'm fine) i feel like wanting to stay there until everything stops and ends. I want to be in that safe haven. But no...within minutes, the shopworkers advised us to go back out(after peeking through their gate and checking if the coast is clear). I felt a sense of dread.....because it means heading out to danger again. But we had no choice and have to leave, after all we budged in in the first place. So i went out of the restaurant, thanking the Indian/Bangladeshi worker on my way out where he was holding the gate open for us to exit. In that one moment, he was my saviour, it felt like we are on the same side regardless of our races or maybe even nationality, but he helped us, in dangerous times like this. To me that time, he was my brother.

When i was out the rain had clearly became much much heavier, it was downright POURING. Not caring anymore that i'm gonna be fully soaked to the skin and without looking back in the direction of the FRU, i ran. I ran in the rain for my life. I couldn't have been more pumped. At last i seek shelter in a small eatery enclosed by a tent flap. I didn't really see where i was, i just went into a shaded stall and try and get my bearings right.

Only by then i realise i brought my umbrella with me and that i shud use it. Previously i didn't because it will be hard for me to take pics and it wasn't raining hard anyway, so yeah. I took out my umbrella and was ready to walk out of the tent and towards anywhere that i could escape to.

A man saw me and commented "No need use umbrella-lahh! When u run later it's gonna be hard! You're also wet already anyway!" LOLOLOL. But he did has his point. Of course i'm not gonna run while holding up and umbrella...so i just smiled back at him. Really, the advices ppl give you in dangerous times! Ppl seem to be more willing to help/advice when we're all in trouble at the same time! xD Normally, why would a stranger talk to me right? =D

Just moments later though, i saw a couple of tear gas canisters flying towards it. Everyone started to panic again and ran. There was nowhere else to run except backwards and up the slope in the distance. So i ran and nearly got knocked down by a guy who flung open the tent flap to run out, not wanting to be trapped inside the tent with the gas. I was so pissed at that time but scared too. The police are coming and they're not stopping!

So i ran as quickly as i can and finally reached a higher ground, near the top of the slope. I stood there and looked back towards the scene before me. People were still running up the slope but the path behind them was blurry with smoke already. By now the rain had become lighter and i unfold my umbrella straightaway. There were people around me too looking at the scene below. In the distance, i can see water being sprayed very high into the air over the road where we all just escaped from. I realise in horror that they had begun to use water canons too on the people still stranded down there. I heard the water was laden with chemicals, not just plain water. I've always thought it was plain water...

It was there i realised i am on the slope right next to the Tung Shin Hospital. Surely they aren't gonna catch up to us up here?? The people around me were starting to distribute salt again. These people really came prepared! I think i'm the only idiot here who didn't go prepared. LOL. Struck up a little chat with another rally-goer who kept talking about how salt will reduce the effect of tear gas. Told a couple of girls nearby too that they should take some salt(not sure if they know each other, but oh wells it's not important at this stage. Stranger or not, we are the same right there and then. Same victims.) and also apply it to their skin. LOL. It was amusing, but i'm thanking the guy too. He even asked the girls to distribute their salt to a few Malay girls nearby. They gave without hesitation, and the girls took the salt with gratitude. This is what we called "helping each other"!

The calm didn't last long though, as we saw more canisters thrown into the compound where we are now. My mind went "Holy shit!" cos they did the unthinkable- gassing ppl on a private compound!! The police really wanted us to disperse as far as possible! A fact i find funny because they are the ones who blocked the other side of the road, preventing reasonable escape routes! Seems more like they were trying to trap us and catch as many of us as possible!

Nowhere left to run, the only way is up. There is a short but high gap between the slope and a carpark area around a  bulding higher up. Like earlier there is rising panic again as people desperately want to escape the tear gas. Luckily for us there were already people up there waiting to pull you up into the compound and escape. Steadying myself on the slippery roots of a huge tree nearby, i reached up and was pulled up to safety by a Malay man. "Thank you!" I said to him loudly and patted him on the back. Then i continued to run. He on the other hand, stayed to pull more people up, helping them to escape despite the tear gas rapidly spreading over the area.

Once up on the compound again we were only left with two paths to take; both having to trek through a huge tree and its various roots and fallen branches. What's worse is there were nails in the debris on the ground; i felt on piercing through my shoe soles and pricking my flesh. Luckily i wasn't stepping full force on my feet, if not, the huge long nail would've cut into my foot causing me to bleed. And that was one thing i never want at that moment.

To reach the other side, which i saw is a huge wide compound, i had to jump off the ground to below. And it was really high up and i wasn't so sure of it cos i didnt wanna break my leg. Fortunately the tree had long vines stretching down, and by clutching onto the vines and hopping down we were able to make it down to the wide compound safely.

It was so nice knowing that while you were at it, there were people asking you to "be careful" "look out for nails!" "do it slowly, take your time, dont rush, just be careful" while trying to hop down underneath. I didn't see who it was, bt i feel good about them. Once out in the wide compound, we began to walk slowly ahead to nowhere. I didn't know where i was at that time. I was lost, together with the others....i came in step with a few ppl and one of them, a hearty Malay man, said "Ehh mana kita pegi ni??? Kampung Baru ke?" (Ehh where are we going right now? Kampung Baru?) and we all laughed at his joke. It was a light moment, and we all shared some laugh and smiles. There were more actually before and after this, that one single moment while on the run together with your "comrades", when you look in their eyes and shared a smile, knowing we are all in such a deep mess, yet it feels SO RIGHT at the time. We BELONGED there. We were fighting for our cause.

Helicopters still flying low above, i heard shouts behind us suddenly and turned around, saw everyone running in our direction trying to escape from something. That something is called FRU and tear gas!!! I finally shouted out a curse "FUUUCCKKKK!!!!" before turning away and start to run away again. One half being pissed at the FRU for not stopping to harm us and another half wondering how long do i still have to run. LOL.

Finally on my right i saw a building and ran towards it together with some of the people. FOund out it was the Bursa Saham building and stopped there to catch my breath and recover. Some people were already taking refuge there. The others who ran with me earlier took other roads to escape instead of within the building. But i need rest, and i was still weak from the tear gas...

Took the opportunity to check on my friends who's leaving KL that day, ending their vacation. They are safely out of the city, thank god. I was actually trembling as i sent text messages to them. I think i spent abt 20mins in the building, deciding where to go next.

There were three ways actually, one back to where we came from, another that spreads to a road junction beneath, which itself spread to two directions: one left, one right. The problem is i dunno which road leads to where, and whether the roads themselves are still safe or not. There was a moment two Malay uncles went past me and i ask them where are they headed to and whether they know where the roads lead to; apparently they don't know either.

Suddenly a huge cough got me and i choked out. The uncle did not hesitate and pulled out his packet of salt and offered it to me "Nah...ambil ni...". I put my hand out and he poured salt onto my hands, but i told him to stop it when i felt it was enough, but apprently he did not think the same way, saying "Taklah....lebih lagi!" when i say "Cukup sudah, cukup sudah!" LOL i really didn't need that much but he poured alot to me anyway. I took some and he asked his friend to give me his water to wash down the salt, and he did :))

After awhile we debated where to go. I told them i want to go back to Kelana Jaya as i heard that they are trying to take LRT back home. They want to go to Bangsar. As if scared i dunno the way, they then tell me how to change trains at Jamek etc etc to get back on Kelana Jaya line. So nice and caring!

Alas we parted ways in different direction, due to them in the end changing mind to take taxi instead. I stood rooted where i was though, right at the junction of the road. Then i saw a group of friends(one of whom i'd chatted lightly to while in the building, discussing where to go) come back to my way. They had earlier went off the road to the right(which will eventually land u in Bukit Bintang) and were now planning to head back to where we ran from earlier, back to Puduraya. Feeling quite at lost, i gave in to them and joined them to walk back up the road.

The girl whom i talked to finally asked for my name and introduced herself as well. Her friends join our conversations once awhile. I guess they're just curious abt me, cos i was alone and everything. LOL they were like "You're so brave coming alone!" which made me embarassed abit, dunno why LOL but yeah. Found out they are a group of surveyors surveying the area and of cos this event. They soon asked me which side was i on. I told them i didn't choose any side, and that i'm just a nosy busybody. =D

They found out too that i like photography(the girl asked me if i'm interested in journalism, after i joked abt being an unofficial reporter) and told me two of their other friends are into photography as well. "Interested in shooting are you?" he asked. I said yeah. "My friend here, that dude over there, likes to shoot too." I am not alone anymore. In this 'troubled' times, brief friendships are sparked.

"Your're not alone anymore! You're with us now!" another girl from the group said loudly to me, flashing me a smile. To be honest i was quite touched at that moment....because she said the truth....right there and then, i was not alone...i was part of something, and whether i had wanted it or not in the first place, i am with them now. Even if i had started neutral, now i'm inclined towards Bersih...and i wanted to fight for them too, together with them.

So we walked until we nearly reached Puduraya again and saw a large group already there and chanting loudly as well. Alot of them are wearing white tho, or draping white cloths over themselves. Quite far and i can't see much. However, despite wanting to join, i wasn't really ready for a second round of tear gas, and i was feeling weaker and weaker too, i couldn't go on anymore. i left the group (more like they advanced in separate groups and i sorta wasa left behind lol) and went back the way to Bursa Saham building, and decided to try the Bukit Bintang road to go home. I want to eat in Times Square and go back home after that. So i started walking....

Then i finally realised where the road will take me. I had just been lost on the same road two nights beforehand while trying to meetup with my vacation friends in Petaling Street. That night i took the wrong shortcut and ended up so far away from my destination. And now..........i'm at the same road!!! U won't believe how i felt at this revelation. Never knew a bad thing that happened to me 2 nights before will serve me so well that day! Because of easy recognition of the particular street now, i was able to make my way back to Bintang and in the end, Times Square to refuel my body(still having minor after-effects of the tear gas). I thought of my friend and called her to let her know i'm safe(one of the few who knws i'm going to the event), also texted the others who knew too. LOL!

After that is back home and nothing exciting except if u wanna count in the time when i reach the LRT station and found out it was closed and had to wait outside for nearly an hr before it was reopened again. It sorta looks like some war camp though. Haha...interesting....

At night i asked my friend out for supper/tea while we sat downstairs watching the evening TV3 news. I was excited to see how they will show the whole incident on tv. To my major disappointment, the only showed minor footages and talk abit abt it only. I felt that alot of the truth that happened are not being reported out. I felt....cheated....and was very very very disappointed with the tv stations. I knew the media are govt-controlled...but after finally seeing and experiencing how much difference there are between the footage and news reported in tv and the real-life event, i finally lost faith in the local media...utter disappointement...


***

Anyway, what i gained from this experience is more than the event itself. In just one day i found out how the people of Msia can be so united, through thick and thin, regardless of race. We helped each other regardless what skin colour we have. I've never felt so united in my life with the other rakyat before. This peaceful rally shows easily the unity between us more than the fallacy that is the PM's 1Malaysia plans. Even the name sounds stupid, if i may say. All that $$$ spent on developing this program(which obviously doesn't work, instead stirred more racial discrimination and hatred) is a complete waste compared to one rally which costs almost nothing and yet still manages to unite people.

Another thing i learnt from this is how shitty our country's media is.....i know most of them are govt' owned, but it really disappointed me how they covered this event. Almost close to none of the events are shown or reported. They only reported the police's statements and interviews. What a major letdown. Those who didn't attend the rally won't even know how tension it was because they didn't experience it and had to rely on TV news for information.

And to think that i wanted to work as a journalist, a reporter at a local news station here...i have my doubts now. If i wanna work as one, i wanna report the TRUTH and only the truth. The very basic moral of journalism: INTEGRITY. Sure, the news might not had twisted details on purpose, but they never served to report the truth either. Mostly just beating around the bush. So disappointed.....

Anyway, i think i've written quite a long post haven't i?? Hahahah i really have to give it to you if you read until the very last word in this post. xD I'm so lazy to edit anymore(make bold typefaces etc) and this actually took two days to write...lol.

Yes, it was one HECK of an experience i will never forget. Thrilling shit. No regrets even though gas-ed!!! xDD

RIP Ariadne!

Ariadne is the name i give to my phone, a birthday present i gave myself last year. It was a HTC Aria running on the wonderful Android OS. I had it upgraded to version 2.2 when it "left" me.

I never blogged abt it when i first got it, but rest assured i was very excited abt it that time. It also marked the most expensive single purchase i ever made(prior to that was my own PSP, also a bday present i gave myself). Looks like i really tend to spoil myself...xD

Anyway, this is the second phone i lost on my account. First one is the Nokia 5610 which is passed to me by my dad to use(making it the more guilty ass that i am), which was lost due to pure carelessness(left it in the car). I believe i wrote abt it too back then. ><

So.......................the full story goes like this.

***

I was working on Saturday(11/6) so since i'm already out on the streets i might as well go get some things done: buy tickets to visit my friend in nearby state Ipoh & visit the famous and popular shopping hotspot Midvalley Megamall(cos i never been there before) to kill the rest of the afternoon away.

So after buying the ticket to Ipoh i went to buy ticket to Midvalley (i found out earlier i had to take the KTM train to reach there from KL Sentral), first time using the KTM ticket machine(which is disastrous, it keeps rejecting my notes) which is unlike the LRT ticket machines. ANyway i got my tickets and had some doubts when slipping it into the ticket entry(again faulty-looking old machines ==) but in the end i managed to go to the platform to wait for the train, which is underground.

The platform underground is very stuffy and full of train/metal/charcoal smell. It's not too strong but u can still smell it. And only the platform's lighted, the tracks are not lighted so its slightly dark but overall well-luminated in the important places. As its my first time there, like always i whipped out my phone and started taking pictures of the place, of the tracks and hopefully a video of the train approaching the platform....

There was a bunch of Indians who kept looking at my direction....and as soon as i realise the train isn't going to come as fast & frequent like the LRT, i went and stood on the other side of the platform, away from the Indians and queuing up to board the train.

Finally after abt 10mins the train came, and before it even stopped fully people already started pushing into the train...i was jumped queue by this two women who literally barged their way thru(and giving me a nasty look while at it!)...that was only the beginning of the horror. I was very shocked at the way people seem to not care about the safety of other people and just kept pushing towards the train  doors. I started to become distracted by the hoopla surrounding me. That and all i was thinking was "Don't fall! Don't fall!" and with that i pressed my bag against me and felt it pressing my phone(which i put in my pocket to avoid pulling attention to my bag) which by that i can feel my phone's presence with me in the midst of the chaos.

After awhile i was finally right outside the train door and i can see the complete mess in that spot. People who're pushing to get into the train NEVER lets the people inside come out first. So those inside the train was fighting to get out of the train while ppl on the platform are fighting to get in. It was horrible. I knew it was bad, i just never expected it to be THIS bad.

So at the train door there's this tall foreigner who's struggling to get out. He was right in front of me to my left. He barged his way out(all the while shaking his head at the chaos) which ended up pushing the guy infront of me(who is in front of the foreigner)into my path, causing me to stumble back. and the foreigner's water bottle flew out of his bag too as a result, flying onto my direction. So basically the flying water bottle(a big one still 3/4 full of water) and the man in front are both throwing at me. And at this time the fucker behind me KEEPS pushing me in as well, and because of that, i fell.

I lost my footing and balance and i fell but luckily i stood back up on time beforei can fall to the floor and be stomped to death. All this while "I cannot fall! Don't fall!" was the only thing that is running thru my mind. So i did just that. The whole incident made me lose contact with my bag(it was flying away from me) and as a result it kinda left a huge opening to my pocket right at that precise moment. When i stood back up i was being pushed instantly inside(i was about to shout back at the ppl behind me to STOP PUSHING) & honestly all i was thinking is "get inside, get inside, find a place to stand inside!" so i entered the train through the small & instant gap left behind by the foreigner.

When i stood properly inside i felt for my phone, and it was gone. I went O.O and a dreadful feeling came up within me. My phone! Where is my phone? Ohmigod my phone! I searched my pockets again, even searching my bag, but it wasn't in any of them. I looked back to the train door entrance & look at the people standing there (also at the people outside still pushing in) and thought "one of them has it"....

But i was speechless. I didn't shout out & tell everyone i lost my phone. I didn't even ask if anyone has seen it. Cos i'm pretty much sure someone saw it. I knew right there and then i lost it when i nearly fell earlier. At that precise point either someone took it from my pocket or the phone dropped out of my pocket. If it was stolen, the thief would've been gone. He could already be out of the platform and up to the station above, away from the train. Or he could be inside the train with me but hiding himself among the sea of people crammed in the train.

If it was picked up by someone though, they should've seen it belonged to mine cos it was so obvious. They shud've returned to me. But nooo.....ppl act like nothing happened. My heart was beating so fast and i feel so awful at the realisation i had just been robbed. But i didn't do anything either....i stood rooted to the spot, arms clutching my bag tightly to prevent another lost of belonging. The train door closed and started its way to Midvalley(the first stop), and i was probably in the same confinement with the thief but i did nothing....

My mind at that time was already blank and "blue-screen". Regret, anger, sadness, dread, i feel it all at the same time. As the train stopped and people went out, i was already a mess in my head, zero-logic, blanking out. All i could think abt is i lost my phone. Stupidly at that.

Because my phone was a smartphone, naturally i had apps running on them. If the thief manage to unlock my phone and went online with it, they can have access to my online accounts like Facebook, Twitter etc etc. That is purely a strong invasion of privacy, and i'm not going to let them get that. So i quickly went in search of a cybercafe which would enable me to go online and change my account passwords but there was none to be found.

Face it, how possible is it to have a cybercafe in the middle of a high-class shopping and tourist hotspot? None. I think i spent a good hour roaming the area of Midvalley looking for a place to online. The place is huge and beautiful, plenty of shops, plenty of goods, but i am not enjoying it at all. I couldn't even smile; i was sure my expression that time was grief.

My virgin Midvalley & KTM train experience had been spoilt by this incident. I was in no mood to continue find entertainment anymre. So i decided to go back home to where my spare phone(deactivated the SIM card in my smartphone to prevent abuse of the credit by the thief, had to spend RM10 as it was my second "offence" of losing a SIM card) is, and change my passwords on my own computer. I told my friend and my mum abt it....suffice to say mum is angry and disappointed with me. Sigh.

***

So that was how my phone was taken away from me. I should've seen the warnings...wait i did see it bt not consciously...because you see, before i lost my phone, there were already warning signs given to me....i wasn't parallel with the signs so i couldn't read them at the time...but now that i think abt it, yeah the signs were there...

The day before i lost my phone, i left it at home forgot to bring out for work...as a result i was phone-less the whole day...and because of hardly using it the battery pattern was out of schedule too so i had to charge it at work the next day....and the whole time when i was charging it, i kept fidgeting at it for god knows why(i know why now ==). I keep touching my phone checking its battery, and because that day we had third-party cleaners cleaning the office i was adamant to not leave anything(esp my phone) behind in the office, so that it won't be "freely-given" to the cleaners.

In the end it was "freely taken" away from me anyway. =(

U see...the forgetting to bring the phone out. First sign. A sign that warns me the phone is safer back at home. Second sign is the constant fidgeting. It was a subconscious movement by me to keep a tight grip on my phone...

But ultimately the biggest contribution of all is the thought that attracted this thing to happen. I was subconsciously thinking NOT & NEVER to lose the phone, and this thought manifested itself, causing circumstances to arise which made me lose my phone.

Its a deep process which i can't explain in detail here...but what u think, either consciously or subconsciously, attracts things to happen to approve it. Although i never wanted to lose my phone ever, but the fear of losing it became so great it surpassed the thought that i can actually keep it for a long time, thus suppressing it, and attracted powers to make it happen instead.

So....an important advice to all of you: watch and hear your thoughts. Be careful with what you think. You have the power to attract what you want. But you are able to attract what you don't want either. So be wise!

I don't really blame anyone for this incident....but myself. I blame myself alot. It is my responsibility anyway. No excuses. I should've been more alert. I should've put my phone in my bag instead of my pocket. I shouldn't have attracted attention to my phone by taking pictures. There were so many "should have's"....

I accepted it though....i know and accept this. It's really good making peace with yourself. Yes it still makes me sad at times but i can safely say i got over it already. I accepted it is lost(though there's a tiny hope someone will come back and return it to me) and i understand the circumstances that lead to it. This can only be a lesson to learn in my life. :)

Ariadne, you will be deeply missed. Because u are my own birthday present, and because i own u with my own hard-earned money. I'm sorry i couldn't keep u for even a year and i already lost you.