The irony....

Been looking for jobs for nearly 2weeks now....newspapers not much, so i even tried Jobstreet too.

And its so ironic that, i left Kuching to find jobs in Miri, but all the available vacancies are posts in Kuching. Zomggg GG!!!!

Well those are from the internet and through Jobstreet....i got a couple which is in KL too, and i'm also giving those a shot.

The problem is, alot of vacancies doesnt suit me nor is it of any of my interests....there are countless admin, accounts, engineeers, quantity surveyor, sales assistant, sales supervisor jobs available....mostly in Kuching, but in Miri too.....where's the vacancy for anything media-related? Not even an opening at the local newspaper agencies.....sighhhh.

Most of the jobs that are media-related though, are posts in KL...i get it...most of the major companies are there, the field is there, the market is there.....but even small places still got this kind of job gua???

Sigh no matter what, i'm not giving up yet. Be it KL or Miri, i'm gonna try whenever possible. As for Kuching....sigh sadly, i don't think i wanna go back to the place in such a short time. Perhaps after a couple of years maybe? Lol...

Wish me luck ppl!!! Job-hunting still going on!!! But still living like a pig at home... xDDD

Why~

Why spend time on someone who doesn't have time for you?

I keep asking myself that question.....i know better, and yet, i keep going back....

Even when i hinted so strongly in the mail, which "will be replied some other time"......

U know, since sometime ago, "some other time" or "talk to you later", already means "i'm not going to get any reply"....

So why am i still waiting?

Of course. I know why. But its so hard. I am trying tho.

Even when u keep saying we're still friends. If we are, do something about it.....i can't go on sailing this ship alone. It takes effort from both sides to hold up a friendship....

What am i to u? Looks like i'll prolly never get the answer.....and from the speed at how ur defenses went up, looks like its still bothering u....

I really wish, that i didn't leave taints.....but then, u've already seen it as a taint.

Worse, u regret it.

Too bad then. I've had enough too.

And i'm going to keep telling myself, I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There's no point in caring anymore.

I'm trying. Hard.

Someone tell me how to do it better. I must do it somehow.....

And somehow, i'll be gone before u realise it.

That's it!

Only i myself know the pain inside....

Just try hard to cover it. Just....let it go. Try, again and again.

Remember, u want her to be happy. And she is, so that's it.

Messssssyyyyyy

I'm shaking. Literally shaking. Not from the cold, but from the bomb i was just dropped.  totally never expected that....it's unbelievable. I.....I readies myself for all sorts of possibilities, and i believed i am ready for it, but when it came....omg. What a big surprise.

My mind is blank. I can't think of anything. Not even a solution. Usually these sort of problems, i can find the flaw and solution easily. But now.....my brain is just fried up. I'm still shaking as i type this. My arms, my hands. Omg. How do i help now, when i myself is falling into pieces?

This is sooooooooo messed up.

It's over!

I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you!!!!!





I AM FUCKING OVER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








I just need to tell myself that. Over and over and over again. And then it's true. Right?

Fight

I hate it, actually.


***

I hate how everytime we talk, we get into this big fight. This war of words that turns so ugly at times.

And it always ends up leaving either one of us scarred for the moment.

Funny, how we attack each other. We seem to know just which Achilles heel to charge into. Our blades filled with the most lethal of poison, our punches driven with all our energy and might.

And in the end, we just end up hurt, and exhausted. And one way or another, we give in, and apologised to the other for the things we said.

Sometimes its not "giving in", sometimes its cos.....we're both right. And we're both wrong at the same time.

Whichever it is, oddly, its the only thing we have that comes close to the word "communication".

Its like, the ONLY thing that's connecting us now. It's like.....we're MEANT to fight time and again with each other. To be frustrated by each other once awhile.

I hate this, actually. I hate it. I hate how things are like this now, and honestly i still miss the old us, before everything turned bad.


I hate this. And its eating me up slowly.....

March.

Seems like so much had happened since my last post. I can say the usual, didnt have time, too lazy, work is consuming me, line not good at home etc etc, that those are the reasons i didnt update much. I guess u get me....lols...

Anyway, i'm back home already and left Kuching for good. It had been a good two years. I loved the first year actually, in fact i loved the first 9mths so much. It has something to do with the people in it, but i'm not gonna say anymre. The second year in Kuching was......more of an emotional journey to find myself, and find my purpose. More importantly though, i had wanted to find answers.

So did i find it in the end? I would say yes, i did. Even though somehow i saw it coming and started to brace myself for it. But for me, i had learnt to let go of things. I got my closures. That was enough. In the past year, i nearly succumbed to terminal depression. I was soo depressed over stuff that i was so lost.....i even thought of giving everything up. I was an angry person most of the time. I hurt too easily. Emotionally, and physically. I was spiraling into madness....

Until, i met certain people, people who would define my life in the latter 7 or 8 mths of my stay in Kuching. I had one to thank in particular, she literally SAVED me. I talked abt this with one of my friends, abt how she managed to pull me away from jumping off the edge. And the funny thing is she doesnt even know what she'd done. And i intend to never tell her. Let's just keep things as they are for now.

So i slowly healed, and began to approach things in a new way. I thought i had lost everything then, and i know by now, my greatest mistake is letting someone be my everything. And when i lost that someone...i lost everything. I vow to never let that happen again. I guess, through all these, i am meant to learn this lesson.

Then i started to make mre new friends, but i thank my lucky stars that for once i never got to know any "bad' friends, u know, those type of ppl who will have bad influence on me. Even some friends, i got them unexpectedly. I...never, see myself as an important person. I never thought i could be that important to certain ppl. I just come and go.....and i'll be just someone they happen to "know".

I think the truth's far from that. Yes some people play those roles in my life, but i also know, through this final parting, some are more than that to me. And I am more than that to them. So thank you all, everyone i knew through my stay here. In Kuching, i learnt alot, and it is also here that i met wonderful people i gladly call my friends.


=)

*****

P/S as usual i will be in Brunei for most of the week and only in Miri in the weekends, unless we had to go during one of the weekdays if we wanna do govt stuff lol. So yeah. U guys know when i am available. =P