Ok! So i guess this will be the final post for this year. xD I hope i'll write more for the coming new year though. I'm finding writing to be really good therapy, and since i got mre time now on my hands to do what-evs, i might as well write...
Yes i do communicate better through writing i guess...i find myself mre able to express and construct what i wanna say compared to being in an actual conversation where i have to speak.
However, i have one project left undone...that is my #p365....i got lazy in the middle of things, adding that to forgetting to take pictures, or taking pics using different cameras. Last i checked, i was nearing the middle of September....sighh. I have a full 3mth to catch up on! I do wanna continue this into 2011 of course...
Ok i must really do it!
-------
Going to go to work soon. I really really really hope we can close early today.....i wanna go celebrate New Year's!! >< That and seriously i don't feel like working at all LOL. Siigh.
Oooh and i plan to take a series of pictures as i go thru the day, recording down how today-the last day of 2010 went for me. =D I'll prolly post them up here chronologically, i dunno but i felt like sharing on twitter too LOL bt we'll see how it goes. =)
So until then, this has been an okay year for me. Let what happened in 2010 stay in 2010, and all the best to everyone for 2011!! I actually can't wait for 2010 to end LOL!
Happy New Year 2011!!
(off to work......)
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 birthday
I was reading my past blog entries and i realised i did record down how i celebrated my birthdays in the past (well back to 2007 at least, where it was briefly mentioned). And because of me not writing much this year i didn't write down the one this year tho....so in keeping up with the tradition, i decided to write a post on my birthday for this year....
=============================================================
Unlike in 2009, by September i am already a working adult(adult heh....i feel like a child still), and yes, i have to work on my birthday, though i specially requested to work earlier so i could get off work earlier and spend some time to celebrate my birthday myself.
Yes, by myself. All my friends were busy doing assignments, or had plans on their own. There's no one to celebrate it with me this year. I got alot of well wishes on Facebook, real-life and thru text messages though, so it's not all bad.
Though i wish to spend it with certain someone, but it was very unlikely, so i didn't think of it any further too.
My colleagues didn't even know it was my birthday that day..not even my boss...i didn't tell her the reason for my special request, and she didn't ask too....it was only until the next day then i know that she thought i had a special gathering to attend... LOL....
I'm being very secretive ehh? =P Come on i'm just low-key...
Perhaps the fact that no one was there to celebrate with me kinda pushed me to maintain the silence...i think none of my friends knew i got off work earlier too....maybe i prefer it that way cos i had a plan in mind...
***
My plans for the night after work? An all-night photoshoot by myself in Friendship Garden. I wanna do something EPIC. Initially, i thought of video-recording myself cycling around Kuching...but changed my mind soon abit later. At least, i thought to myself, taking pictures will take my mind off things. It might help in getting something out of the photography block i had then.
So after work i cycled first to the HTC shop to get my protective screen for my new phone(a present i got myself 3 days prior, a HTC Aria phone <3), too bad they don't have the leather flip casing yet, i wanted that too. I cycled all the way back to my apartment (i was already quite breathless and very sweaty, which is why i abandoned the video-recording, cos i didn't have the stamina for it sigh) only to find out my hsemate is preparing to go out with his friends, and they asked me if i wanna join them out(after much pressuring me to not go out on a photoshoot on my own), since they are going downtown for photoshoot anyway at the annual Lantern Festival Carnival.
Why not, eh? At least i got *some* company....
So after waiting for my shower to be done we all set off to town. There were so many people...and alot are holding DSLRs =S i brought my digicam along with my phone, and to my major disappointment both aren't taking satisfactory pictures at all; there was too much noise, and my digicam's shutter speed is too slow and everything blurs =.=!!!
That took a toll on my mood...they saw and kept asking me what's up. Told me i have to cheer up abit, it's my birthday after all. But no...i kinda felt empty inside. I couldn't take good pics! Sigh. The other thoughts come creeping into my mind. No cakes this year(i forgot to buy one for myself...sigh, have to buy for myself again!), no ppl i wanna celebrate with, no nothing...i wanted to do something epic to at least remember this day by, but even that was a goner...of cos i feel abit down, and it kinda showed on my face.
After everyone's done with the place we went to 101 for supper...i had some takoyaki (quite good) and my usual, the Kolo Mee i love very much. My mood eased slightly after the food and light chat, and not long after, it was time to go home.
Before entering my room....my hsemate asked me again if i'm okay. As usual, to many people, i said "I'm fine....its ok, its nothing". It's always that few answers....and seeing that i don't wanna go on anymore, he let me off and wished me Happy Birthday again.
=============================================================
And that's how my 21st birthday went. THE 21st. Quite boring, isn't it. But oh wells. Let's see how it will be in a years time...
There!! I'm done!! (sorry no pics tho my sorry line is a headache enuff to me). And, in case i forgot next year, pls do remind me to post abt it in the future! LOL! xD
P/S it's 0321 now and i should be sleeping. Right eye is itchy and red again. Argh.
=============================================================
Unlike in 2009, by September i am already a working adult(adult heh....i feel like a child still), and yes, i have to work on my birthday, though i specially requested to work earlier so i could get off work earlier and spend some time to celebrate my birthday myself.
Yes, by myself. All my friends were busy doing assignments, or had plans on their own. There's no one to celebrate it with me this year. I got alot of well wishes on Facebook, real-life and thru text messages though, so it's not all bad.
Though i wish to spend it with certain someone, but it was very unlikely, so i didn't think of it any further too.
My colleagues didn't even know it was my birthday that day..not even my boss...i didn't tell her the reason for my special request, and she didn't ask too....it was only until the next day then i know that she thought i had a special gathering to attend... LOL....
I'm being very secretive ehh? =P Come on i'm just low-key...
Perhaps the fact that no one was there to celebrate with me kinda pushed me to maintain the silence...i think none of my friends knew i got off work earlier too....maybe i prefer it that way cos i had a plan in mind...
***
My plans for the night after work? An all-night photoshoot by myself in Friendship Garden. I wanna do something EPIC. Initially, i thought of video-recording myself cycling around Kuching...but changed my mind soon abit later. At least, i thought to myself, taking pictures will take my mind off things. It might help in getting something out of the photography block i had then.
So after work i cycled first to the HTC shop to get my protective screen for my new phone(a present i got myself 3 days prior, a HTC Aria phone <3), too bad they don't have the leather flip casing yet, i wanted that too. I cycled all the way back to my apartment (i was already quite breathless and very sweaty, which is why i abandoned the video-recording, cos i didn't have the stamina for it sigh) only to find out my hsemate is preparing to go out with his friends, and they asked me if i wanna join them out(after much pressuring me to not go out on a photoshoot on my own), since they are going downtown for photoshoot anyway at the annual Lantern Festival Carnival.
Why not, eh? At least i got *some* company....
So after waiting for my shower to be done we all set off to town. There were so many people...and alot are holding DSLRs =S i brought my digicam along with my phone, and to my major disappointment both aren't taking satisfactory pictures at all; there was too much noise, and my digicam's shutter speed is too slow and everything blurs =.=!!!
That took a toll on my mood...they saw and kept asking me what's up. Told me i have to cheer up abit, it's my birthday after all. But no...i kinda felt empty inside. I couldn't take good pics! Sigh. The other thoughts come creeping into my mind. No cakes this year(i forgot to buy one for myself...sigh, have to buy for myself again!), no ppl i wanna celebrate with, no nothing...i wanted to do something epic to at least remember this day by, but even that was a goner...of cos i feel abit down, and it kinda showed on my face.
After everyone's done with the place we went to 101 for supper...i had some takoyaki (quite good) and my usual, the Kolo Mee i love very much. My mood eased slightly after the food and light chat, and not long after, it was time to go home.
Before entering my room....my hsemate asked me again if i'm okay. As usual, to many people, i said "I'm fine....its ok, its nothing". It's always that few answers....and seeing that i don't wanna go on anymore, he let me off and wished me Happy Birthday again.
=============================================================
And that's how my 21st birthday went. THE 21st. Quite boring, isn't it. But oh wells. Let's see how it will be in a years time...
There!! I'm done!! (sorry no pics tho my sorry line is a headache enuff to me). And, in case i forgot next year, pls do remind me to post abt it in the future! LOL! xD
P/S it's 0321 now and i should be sleeping. Right eye is itchy and red again. Argh.
Last day of 2010.
My, how time flies.
I dunno abt u, but 2010 to me, whizzed by so fast i barely even had time to think. Seems like time is speeding up...was it trying to catch up with something?
Many things had happened...mostly sad, disappointing things to me. I lost things, i lost people. I lost alot....
But then again i think....i still have my family...i still have good health(i think)...i met new friends who turned my life around.....i experienced new things....i learnt alot too...
It's not such a bad year after all. True, it is full of heartbreaks, but i'll think of it as a step for me to be stronger to face whatever's ahead.
And i can conclude, my time here is almost up. Whatever plans God has for me in this place, i can feel i've done them all. He put me here for a reason. And the bell is ringing to indicate that the train is leaving soon, and i have to take it. For my next journey.
It has been an educational year. I got all my answers. Thanks to all the people who played a part in my life over the past year. Bless u all.
Happy New Year!! And goodbye 2010!! =)
*P/S This is post #111. Haha. Me and my numbers. LOL. xD
I dunno abt u, but 2010 to me, whizzed by so fast i barely even had time to think. Seems like time is speeding up...was it trying to catch up with something?
Many things had happened...mostly sad, disappointing things to me. I lost things, i lost people. I lost alot....
But then again i think....i still have my family...i still have good health(i think)...i met new friends who turned my life around.....i experienced new things....i learnt alot too...
It's not such a bad year after all. True, it is full of heartbreaks, but i'll think of it as a step for me to be stronger to face whatever's ahead.
And i can conclude, my time here is almost up. Whatever plans God has for me in this place, i can feel i've done them all. He put me here for a reason. And the bell is ringing to indicate that the train is leaving soon, and i have to take it. For my next journey.
It has been an educational year. I got all my answers. Thanks to all the people who played a part in my life over the past year. Bless u all.
Happy New Year!! And goodbye 2010!! =)
*P/S This is post #111. Haha. Me and my numbers. LOL. xD
Thursday, December 30, 2010
New blog?
Am thinking of opening a new blog. This current one are so messed up....haha....
However, i think the new blog(if i do make one) will contain mostly poetic writings i think. Or words suddenly popping into my head as lyrics or something. Nothing too personal and such.
Which means if i do, i will still keep this current one.
Ahh headache. Need to think of a new name. =O
Btw, am thinking of changing my Twitter name and setting it to private.
I even got the new name already ;) i woke up from an alternate Twitter universe and it just came to my mind!! :D
Cool! I stole something from my dreams!! :D
However, i think the new blog(if i do make one) will contain mostly poetic writings i think. Or words suddenly popping into my head as lyrics or something. Nothing too personal and such.
Which means if i do, i will still keep this current one.
Ahh headache. Need to think of a new name. =O
Btw, am thinking of changing my Twitter name and setting it to private.
I even got the new name already ;) i woke up from an alternate Twitter universe and it just came to my mind!! :D
Cool! I stole something from my dreams!! :D
Public holiday
So Malaysia won the AFF Suzuki Cup, and the nation got a public holiday on Dec 31 as a result??
Wow. Seems like we all will declare any day as a very important day just cause the nation achieved something.
Yes, the Cup is important, and according to my friend, it finally came home after 12yrs.
My question is, does that seem like a reasonable reason enough to declare a day to be public holiday?
Ohh yes...12yrs....that is long, and we finally achieved our glory. But hey, it took u 12 years. Is that even something to be proud of? And amidst a very known humiliation that our country's football standards had fallen really deep to the very bottom of the heap. The win, of course, gave some bleak hope to this fast degrading national football team.
Is that all? The only reason to give public servants a day off because of a football team even they themselves looked down on?
Yes, i agree, the team should be congratulated and their achievement appreciated and recognised, but this is not they way.
I predict when the team is back in M'sia they will be showered with gifts and titles or honours.
And then, like previous medal winners before them(in other sports of course), fall into a hopeless and pathetic slump, never achieving anything significant again because they get their heads lost in all that materialistic glory.
Yes i am judging, but unless everyone's attitude changes, even those bestowing the gifts, it will happen.
Wow. Seems like we all will declare any day as a very important day just cause the nation achieved something.
Yes, the Cup is important, and according to my friend, it finally came home after 12yrs.
My question is, does that seem like a reasonable reason enough to declare a day to be public holiday?
Ohh yes...12yrs....that is long, and we finally achieved our glory. But hey, it took u 12 years. Is that even something to be proud of? And amidst a very known humiliation that our country's football standards had fallen really deep to the very bottom of the heap. The win, of course, gave some bleak hope to this fast degrading national football team.
Is that all? The only reason to give public servants a day off because of a football team even they themselves looked down on?
Yes, i agree, the team should be congratulated and their achievement appreciated and recognised, but this is not they way.
I predict when the team is back in M'sia they will be showered with gifts and titles or honours.
And then, like previous medal winners before them(in other sports of course), fall into a hopeless and pathetic slump, never achieving anything significant again because they get their heads lost in all that materialistic glory.
Yes i am judging, but unless everyone's attitude changes, even those bestowing the gifts, it will happen.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
In the little corner....
Went back and read all the posts again....
All i can say is, i miss the old us.
Other than that, i thought i would feel sad....but no, i'm not. Perhaps slightly...but not as much as i thought i would feel.
I feel like continuing the posts. I feel, too, of deleting them. Deleting everything...
But a tiny part of me wants to preserve that. Preserve what is already lost.
Since it doesn't affect me much now, clicking it into oblivion won't change anything. Perhaps, only adding future regret.
What abt continuing it?
I don't know what to write or say, even if it is so.
So shall i leave it as it is? It looks and feels incomplete...everything was hanging there.
I was in the middle of my story. A story i now know nearing its end, but recording-wise, still halfway thru.
Was there even the need to continue it?
I don't know, i don't know....
All i can say is, i miss the old us.
Other than that, i thought i would feel sad....but no, i'm not. Perhaps slightly...but not as much as i thought i would feel.
I feel like continuing the posts. I feel, too, of deleting them. Deleting everything...
But a tiny part of me wants to preserve that. Preserve what is already lost.
Since it doesn't affect me much now, clicking it into oblivion won't change anything. Perhaps, only adding future regret.
What abt continuing it?
I don't know what to write or say, even if it is so.
So shall i leave it as it is? It looks and feels incomplete...everything was hanging there.
I was in the middle of my story. A story i now know nearing its end, but recording-wise, still halfway thru.
Was there even the need to continue it?
I don't know, i don't know....
Monday, December 27, 2010
Merry Christmas!
I'm kinda late now, but still, Merry Christmas!! xD
Christmas this year didnt turn out so bad like hw i imagined. LOL. I thought i wud be drinking in my sorrows alone at home during Christmas. Haha. But nahh, didn't happen. xD
Like last year, went to Spring for the countdown...i think they're making it annual? But i wonder how it's gonna be for next year tho...Kuching'll have two big malls sprawling up by the end of next year i think...
This time tho, went with different friends compared to last year. The grp of friends i went with last year....well. We kinda broke...lost touch with each other. What a difference a year makes...but oh wells.
***
So i had to work still on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc...hahahha...i really thought i won't be able to make it cos i dunno the plans for the night! All i know is...we might close early if we hit the sales target for the day. And boy i was so worked up wishing it will happen quickly LOL.
In the end i did close early, arnd 10pm, and bless my colleague(who was so busy herself she cudnt make it to the dinner we promised to have together), brought me to Spring...but she couldn't find parking and left me to find my friends...kinda sad she can't watch the countdown tho. Sigh.
But i met up with my friends and gosh! The crowd was crazy!! So many ppl! I actually got scolded by someone cos i pushed my way past them...sorry dude!! I admit i was wrong...zzz...anyway i followed my friend's lead out to one side of the area so i could get a nice view of the fireworks.
3mins to countdown....the announcer announced it and everyone cheered. I love it when everyone is cheering...i love it. The atmosphere. Then soon....
10......9.....8......7......6......5......4....3.....2....1...~~~
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then the fireworks start their show. =D
And i stood there and shot as many as i can, hoping i got the settings right. It's my first time shooting fireworks using DSLR....zzzz. People kept walking past me and hit me, i was kinda annoyed cos it distracted from my picture taking...zzz...
I had my friend help me record a video of the whole spectacle too..so yeah, got it on video and photos!
After it stopped though i just went back home...feels weird coming home so early LOL. Thought i could go for supper or perhaps get some beer. But it's ok, at least i did attend the countdown, better than nothing! xD
----
For the Christmas Day itself, yeap, was working too, also closed early but nothing much after that, just went back home....started on watching the Korean show "Iris" though, to catch up with a friend, and so far so good! Liking what i see!
So to conclude, i wud say that this year my Christmas is watered dwn, but still enjoyable.
Lastly, wish everyone a blessed year ahead and once again, Merry Christmas!!
Christmas this year didnt turn out so bad like hw i imagined. LOL. I thought i wud be drinking in my sorrows alone at home during Christmas. Haha. But nahh, didn't happen. xD
Like last year, went to Spring for the countdown...i think they're making it annual? But i wonder how it's gonna be for next year tho...Kuching'll have two big malls sprawling up by the end of next year i think...
This time tho, went with different friends compared to last year. The grp of friends i went with last year....well. We kinda broke...lost touch with each other. What a difference a year makes...but oh wells.
***
So i had to work still on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc...hahahha...i really thought i won't be able to make it cos i dunno the plans for the night! All i know is...we might close early if we hit the sales target for the day. And boy i was so worked up wishing it will happen quickly LOL.
In the end i did close early, arnd 10pm, and bless my colleague(who was so busy herself she cudnt make it to the dinner we promised to have together), brought me to Spring...but she couldn't find parking and left me to find my friends...kinda sad she can't watch the countdown tho. Sigh.
But i met up with my friends and gosh! The crowd was crazy!! So many ppl! I actually got scolded by someone cos i pushed my way past them...sorry dude!! I admit i was wrong...zzz...anyway i followed my friend's lead out to one side of the area so i could get a nice view of the fireworks.
3mins to countdown....the announcer announced it and everyone cheered. I love it when everyone is cheering...i love it. The atmosphere. Then soon....
10......9.....8......7......6......5......4....3.....2....1...~~~
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then the fireworks start their show. =D
And i stood there and shot as many as i can, hoping i got the settings right. It's my first time shooting fireworks using DSLR....zzzz. People kept walking past me and hit me, i was kinda annoyed cos it distracted from my picture taking...zzz...
I had my friend help me record a video of the whole spectacle too..so yeah, got it on video and photos!
After it stopped though i just went back home...feels weird coming home so early LOL. Thought i could go for supper or perhaps get some beer. But it's ok, at least i did attend the countdown, better than nothing! xD
----
For the Christmas Day itself, yeap, was working too, also closed early but nothing much after that, just went back home....started on watching the Korean show "Iris" though, to catch up with a friend, and so far so good! Liking what i see!
So to conclude, i wud say that this year my Christmas is watered dwn, but still enjoyable.
Lastly, wish everyone a blessed year ahead and once again, Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas is near!
But i know, long before Christmas, that it'll be ruined for me.
This will be the 3rd straight year. =(
I love Christmas so much!! Even though i'm not a Christian or even know its origins or whatever, i still love it.
The songs, the atmosphere, the spirit, I LOVE IT!!!!
It's my most favourite festival of the year!!
But it's going to be ruined...
I used to sing happily or hum happily when i hear christmas songs....now the Christmas songs just make me sad.
Especially "Last Christmas" by Wham!. I used to diss this song alot, saying "it's not a Christmas song, its a freaking love song!!"
Yes karma's a bitch, and look what happened. Stuff happened to me almost exactly the same in the song. And what's worse, i hear it EVERYWHERE. Like it isn't enough to drive me to death...
Sigh. Why is my Christmas this year gonna be ruined, u ask?
Well because...i lost everything, and everyone, and because of that, i lost the whole meaning of celebrating it too.
Christmas to me, is also a season of giving & forgiving....i am as happy giving presents as receiving them. Spreading the love, ya know? =)
Bt no....i dun have anyone else to celebrate it with anymore. Damn, i'm even working on Christmas Day. What to celebrate? Who to celebrate with?
Just gimme lotsa beer...and i'll drink myself to sleep i guess...
This will be the 3rd straight year. =(
I love Christmas so much!! Even though i'm not a Christian or even know its origins or whatever, i still love it.
The songs, the atmosphere, the spirit, I LOVE IT!!!!
It's my most favourite festival of the year!!
But it's going to be ruined...
I used to sing happily or hum happily when i hear christmas songs....now the Christmas songs just make me sad.
Especially "Last Christmas" by Wham!. I used to diss this song alot, saying "it's not a Christmas song, its a freaking love song!!"
Yes karma's a bitch, and look what happened. Stuff happened to me almost exactly the same in the song. And what's worse, i hear it EVERYWHERE. Like it isn't enough to drive me to death...
Sigh. Why is my Christmas this year gonna be ruined, u ask?
Well because...i lost everything, and everyone, and because of that, i lost the whole meaning of celebrating it too.
Christmas to me, is also a season of giving & forgiving....i am as happy giving presents as receiving them. Spreading the love, ya know? =)
Bt no....i dun have anyone else to celebrate it with anymore. Damn, i'm even working on Christmas Day. What to celebrate? Who to celebrate with?
Just gimme lotsa beer...and i'll drink myself to sleep i guess...
Goodbye.
It's an elusive word between us. No, for u.
U just left...without saying goodbye. I remember once u said something about hating goodbyes. But now...u're the one leaving, is is so hard to say goodbye?
Two days ago....i had a talk with my friend...i needed someone to scold me...to rationalise me...somehow she did it...i know what i had to do early on, but hearing it from someone else, hearing someone confirm that it is the right decision for me, helped alot...
So when u told me abt her, unlike in the past, i didn't feel anything at all...i didn't feel hurt, didn't feel jealousy, no nothing...i even encouraged u to go after her...this time without dying slowly inside. Hah...the way u apologised to me when u pasted the wrong thing to me. And when u said it's unfair to me....i saw it coming, really. I kinda liked the way u thought that it is unfair to me, and u apologising(even so, i suspect u did it on purpose, pasting the wrong thing)...it kinda means u still care.
A care which obviously isn't as much as before. I don't even know the things u said....i don't know which are the truth, which the lies....i donno how to differentiate anymore. U trusted u completely...but hey, i can see the times when u're lying too. I can only keep forgiving....and keeping my head the other way...
U think i'm slow...yes i'm slow at times. Alot of times. But i know a lie when i see one. I always wanted to confront u with it...but i was too scared to "fuck everything up" again...it was the only thing left between us, u know? And so i pretended to believe what u said...i switched topic...i changed the tone of my voice...and there u go, believing all my acts....believing i'm slow...
Enough. I've had enough. I've been relenting for so long.
Yesterday, i wanted to see u....talk to u....because it is a full, final closure for me. I wanted to wish u the best, wanted to see u for one last time. But no....u gave excuses, many many excuses...to avoid seeing me. U even have ur sis meet me instead and gave me a rather lame excuse, even for ur standard....why issit u don't want to see me?
Haven't u made it clear? Haven't i made it clear? Were u thinking i was trying to go after u again?
See, i wanted to settle everything, all the doubts, all the answers with u yesterday. But all u do is run...
Its my final closure...but somehow it didn't happen the way i want. So does this closure still count then?
***
I still can't believe what i did last night. I risked everything, even my health. In the end i get nothing...but its expected. Just wish u had been mre classy with it.
It's the final time. The final time i will do something so stupid for u. I'm not going to do it anymore.
Ppl will say i'm stupid. Yes i am. But the way i see it, i'm one stupid, hopeless romantic.
U just left...without saying goodbye. I remember once u said something about hating goodbyes. But now...u're the one leaving, is is so hard to say goodbye?
Two days ago....i had a talk with my friend...i needed someone to scold me...to rationalise me...somehow she did it...i know what i had to do early on, but hearing it from someone else, hearing someone confirm that it is the right decision for me, helped alot...
So when u told me abt her, unlike in the past, i didn't feel anything at all...i didn't feel hurt, didn't feel jealousy, no nothing...i even encouraged u to go after her...this time without dying slowly inside. Hah...the way u apologised to me when u pasted the wrong thing to me. And when u said it's unfair to me....i saw it coming, really. I kinda liked the way u thought that it is unfair to me, and u apologising(even so, i suspect u did it on purpose, pasting the wrong thing)...it kinda means u still care.
A care which obviously isn't as much as before. I don't even know the things u said....i don't know which are the truth, which the lies....i donno how to differentiate anymore. U trusted u completely...but hey, i can see the times when u're lying too. I can only keep forgiving....and keeping my head the other way...
U think i'm slow...yes i'm slow at times. Alot of times. But i know a lie when i see one. I always wanted to confront u with it...but i was too scared to "fuck everything up" again...it was the only thing left between us, u know? And so i pretended to believe what u said...i switched topic...i changed the tone of my voice...and there u go, believing all my acts....believing i'm slow...
Enough. I've had enough. I've been relenting for so long.
Yesterday, i wanted to see u....talk to u....because it is a full, final closure for me. I wanted to wish u the best, wanted to see u for one last time. But no....u gave excuses, many many excuses...to avoid seeing me. U even have ur sis meet me instead and gave me a rather lame excuse, even for ur standard....why issit u don't want to see me?
Haven't u made it clear? Haven't i made it clear? Were u thinking i was trying to go after u again?
See, i wanted to settle everything, all the doubts, all the answers with u yesterday. But all u do is run...
Its my final closure...but somehow it didn't happen the way i want. So does this closure still count then?
***
I still can't believe what i did last night. I risked everything, even my health. In the end i get nothing...but its expected. Just wish u had been mre classy with it.
It's the final time. The final time i will do something so stupid for u. I'm not going to do it anymore.
Ppl will say i'm stupid. Yes i am. But the way i see it, i'm one stupid, hopeless romantic.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Only when u need me.
U only come find me when u want something from me.
A piece of information.....a favour...
Wat else?
It used to be when u wud find me for ANYTHING....
Now u only come to me when u are bored....when u are curious abt stuff i knw which u don't...
You dont even greet me....ask how i am....stuffs...u just jumped straight to YOUR point.....
And when u got what u wanted(how can i ever say no to u?) u just leave the conversation hanging there...
Silence...
In the silence i am waiting....foolishly waiting...
If u'll ever ask me how am i doing, or what's up with me...
Perhaps u sensed it....u sensed the silence...
And then, miraculously...u asked...
"what's up?"
I would've been happy....should've been happy when u asked...
But....i can't help but feel...
U asked just for the sake of asking.
I was tempted....to tell u how i really am.
But...u didn't care from the start. Why should you care now if i tell you?
U didn't even put in heart into what u're asking...
So what if i told u?
U don't care at all.
U asked just for the sake of asking.
And to think....it took this conversation for me to confirm what i've suspected all along...
U 'hid' me didnt u? if u didn't..then u really avoided my stuff...
Until what i had posted or shared...u don't even know.
U really avoided me that much huh. U really went to such lengths to show u dun care huh.
Seriously? After what we've been through...
Am i only worth this much?
Only find me when u are bored...only for information extraction...
Even had to set certain rules when we talk....
Couldn't we talk like how we did before?
I just want us back to where we once used to be...
Before all hell broke loose.
I meant something to u then. Now i mean nothing...
Sometimes i rather u leave me alone...
Sometimes i rather u don't find me at all...
If the only thing u want from me is just information.
A piece of information.....a favour...
Wat else?
It used to be when u wud find me for ANYTHING....
Now u only come to me when u are bored....when u are curious abt stuff i knw which u don't...
You dont even greet me....ask how i am....stuffs...u just jumped straight to YOUR point.....
And when u got what u wanted(how can i ever say no to u?) u just leave the conversation hanging there...
Silence...
In the silence i am waiting....foolishly waiting...
If u'll ever ask me how am i doing, or what's up with me...
Perhaps u sensed it....u sensed the silence...
And then, miraculously...u asked...
"what's up?"
I would've been happy....should've been happy when u asked...
But....i can't help but feel...
U asked just for the sake of asking.
I was tempted....to tell u how i really am.
But...u didn't care from the start. Why should you care now if i tell you?
U didn't even put in heart into what u're asking...
So what if i told u?
U don't care at all.
U asked just for the sake of asking.
And to think....it took this conversation for me to confirm what i've suspected all along...
U 'hid' me didnt u? if u didn't..then u really avoided my stuff...
Until what i had posted or shared...u don't even know.
U really avoided me that much huh. U really went to such lengths to show u dun care huh.
Seriously? After what we've been through...
Am i only worth this much?
Only find me when u are bored...only for information extraction...
Even had to set certain rules when we talk....
Couldn't we talk like how we did before?
I just want us back to where we once used to be...
Before all hell broke loose.
I meant something to u then. Now i mean nothing...
Sometimes i rather u leave me alone...
Sometimes i rather u don't find me at all...
If the only thing u want from me is just information.
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