Disappointment in myself.

I feel like a failure. A weakness i know i always had was being exposed again. And this time it hurts so much more. So, so much.

Because i know i can do nothing about it. Because i let it grow inside me for so long.

I'd often tell people and friends that i'm not a good person. That i have a heart made of steel. I can ignore people easily if i want to, if i don't like them. Its easy to read my body language when this happens. I know someone who can't do this because she has such a good, soft heart, although at times i tell her to toughen up when the situation needs her to.

A tough and strong heart is best for resilience and withstanding attacks from other people. But NOT when u are needed to be there for someone. When ppl expect u to put ur heart on ur sleeve for them. To them ur heart is just stone cold.

If you don't already know by now, i can't comfort people.

You know how sometimes when a friend is down, and they go looking for someone that'll comfort them? The friend will say soothing words and calm the crappy-feeling person down. The friend will say the right words at the right time, and tend to the person and be their ears and physical source of comfort.

That someone isn't me. And you don't know how much it eats away at me. How much i feel like i disappointed my friends with my own lack of emotional comfort and support. Because i wanted to be there for my friends when they feel down. I wanted to be their source of comfort, a place to let out.

But i failed, i failed terribly. Even though how much i want it, it always backfires on me.

---(O)---

I remember seeing my roommate cry. In front of me. I never had friends crying in front of me before. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I was afraid. Seeing a friend in trouble and crying, it tears away at my heart. But i was helpless. I didn't know what to say to her, how to comfort her. She expected something from me, i could give her nothing. All i could blurt out is a tiny 'Are u ok?' Then silence. I just sat there and let her cry till she stop. And the disappointment i felt in myself grows and grows.

When another friend of mine told me her troubles...i could see she was visibly very upset, and yet again i didn't know what to say. My mind is all blank. All i could do is try change the subject a little bit, or repeat something i said earlier, or try cheering her up instead.

I couldn't give comfort. Heh. Some friend i am.

Now it happened again. Someone wanted me to be there, just for her. Nurse her hurt, tend to her wounds. Wanted me on her side. Once again, my logical mind overrules everything. I analysed her situation, and lectured her abt her misgivings. I admit it, i tend to think alot and overanalyse and criticise things. I almost always analyse first before giving out the verdict. I stand on the fact that i couldn't take her side, because she wasn't right.

She then tells me that it wouldn't kill for me to break my rules for once even when i'm not supposed to take sides. That i could at least had stitched up her open wound before i start shooting her with cold hard facts.

I realised, she was right. I had approached her situation with the wrong way, again. I had been so robotic, until i had lost my 'human' touch.

What do i do? What should i have said? I dunno, i dunno!! I am at lost for words. I am not a person who comforts people. I DONT KNOW HOW. Now i know how dyslexics feel. It used to puzzle me why there exists dyslexia, and what sufferings dyslexics go through. I think now i know the feeling of not understanding and using something that probably the rest of the world knows how to.

~ \\ * // ~

U know there's this saying, "know which friend to go to for each situation". When u are joyous, who do u share it with? When u are in deep shit, who do u call to ask for help? When u feel down in the dumps, who do you want to pull you up and clean u before u face the world again?

Sadly, i think i'm not this person to all my friends. I do care about my friends, but i don't know how to deal with them when they are down in the dumps. It doesnt mean i don't care. I care, i care alot. But i suppose my way of caring is hard for people to understand.

It's been like this for a long while. I don't know when this will end. This really is a glaring weakness of me as a friend. I had been blaming myself for a looooong time now. It seems it'll never end...

This is not a post to tell everyone NOT to look for me when they are down. Nor is this to tell people that i'm sick of their problems and leave me alone. NO THAT IS NOT IT. This is just me letting out. Me really disappointed in myself.

I'm sorry to the people, in the past, present and future in my life, for not being understanding enough.

~ // * \\ ~

Funny, how a person who's always proud of being flamboyant with words find herself failing to come up with the right words at the right time.