Sometime during the 2nd and 3rd week of this month, i went into yet another bout of depression. And the worst thing is, i can't even afford a drink to calm my nerves down, or just to numb me enough to lull myself to sleep. No i had to bear the night with dark, depressing thoughts in my head. I couldn't sleep at all.
I pondered to write something about it back then...while i was in the full-blown fury of it. My mood was "right". Yet i hadn't thought of it back then and by the time i arrived at this page trying to type something, my "feel" was already gone and i knew i couldn't write back the stuff i felt back then. So i gave up and carried on with my life, knowing someday i will still return to write it, because storing it away in my memory bank won't make it go away, at least i want to pour out some of it, filter my brain for other stuff. Yeahhhh what a smart dumbass i am. xD
---
So what happened was this(to cut a looong story short), i stood out and voiced out opinions on a matter that everyone had uncomfortable feelings to, but had not dared to voice out. So i did it on behalf of everyone cos i was already tired of all these dragging and "behind the scenes" wonder and suspicion. It was risky of course, because it might hurt someone else and change whatever they think abt me. But i had enough and i am the sort that prefers u cut-to-the-chase so i did it anyway.
As expected, the reply came back curt. Of course, everybody else was quiet. From what i read of the reply, the person clearly stated where she stand and where and how she was in the whole incident, basically telling of her own POV. Of course, i was glad i finally got an answer; however, the whole thing made me realise we had seen her wrongly and had not thought from her POV, and i knew then we had misunderstood her and had not kept her well-informed. She was lack of information, of course she didnt know what was happening and thus didn't respond as how we expected her to be.
In short, i realised we were wrong. But, i knew the fault is not entirely mine. So being the stubborn apeshit that i am, i refused to apologize. I however, did acknowledge her and her lack of information and was sympathetised with her. With that i said "sorry u had to go through that" to her, because it really is what i felt. I genuinely thought we hadn't been fair enough to her honestly. We ourselves made a small misstep.
But because i'm not the "messenger", i'm not the central pivotal character that knows everything from everyone, surely i cannot take the full blame of it? I do not know everything after all. I also got my information in bits and pieces. To my own fault, i had assumed as well that the other party knew everything. Thus i spoke out.
Yet.....everyone else was still silent. At least those on "my side" as i saw it that time. They were silent. Of course, they weren't silent behind-the-scenes, just that no one stood out and defended me, though we share the same views(i'm not sure, even now, if back then we really shared the same views? my confidence in them had dwindled massively since then).
The "neutral" ones, though, spoke up abit, told me to "chill" and tried to ease the tension. No one replied after that, with me stating once more where i stood and what i understood of things. It was lengthy, but i really wish ppl read it. In the end, the girl opted out of the plan, and another told me i shouldn't "shao" so fast.
Well, to be honest, of all things, i felt hurt the most. I'm not even angry when the girl replied me making her stand, even though she scolded "stupid" which is not aimed at me, but still, the choice of words, hurt me. And made me worried abt her. Cos if i'm in her situation, i will be deeply hurt as well. I dunno this girl well enough to know exactly how she will think/react to this, but i know if it's me i'll be hurt.
But at this point, i'm more devastated than hurt. It went way beyond my expectation, the level of backlash this created. What's worse is that, the SILENCE that surrounds the whole "battle scene". It's bad enough to know how pissed someone is at you. It's a whole other thing NOT knowing how pissed they really are, or if they are pissed at all, because u can never know...and that's wearing me down the fastest.
So i got all disappointed and hurt and everything....because i thought there would be people backing me up out front, instead of in the dark. But no...i took all the bullets, while they watched on feeling they should cover me but in the end didn't.
I don't even want to start on how the other side is thinking of me at that point. I'm sure though most of them thought i was too reckless and flamed up abit fast, albeit unnecessarily. I don't think any one of them stopped and think carefully, in the months and year that they knew me, have i ever raised temper in front of them? Was i ever pissed? Do they really know it when i'm pissed? I cant blame them, they judged me based on this one situation. The fact that NO ONE tried to approach me for a talk to try and find out what's happening from MY side, no one tried to grasp and understand where i come from regarding this, is soooo disappointing.
Yes i admit, i expected something to happen, someone who would lie down beside me and hear my story as i lie 'bleeding' on the ground. At least, if you want me to die, let me die a fair death. But no....i even hinted, even talked to one of them abt it, and got nothing at all. Then and there i gave up ever explaining, simply because no one asked for it.
So if they want to think i'm a brass, reckless and temperamental person, so be it. Just wanna be clear that they didn't get the full circle, just parts of it. And i've always lived by the principle that i won't ever explain myself if i don't care about what that person think abt me, so sadly, for this case, i have to do it. Even though i'll gladly explain again should anyone mention this again.
Well, it was a dark period for sure, cos right then i felt very alone. No one backing me, no one protecting me. And ppl were misunderstanding me. I had no one to talk to....i was disappointed with most of them. I spiralled into extreme depression, until i actually feel sick and want to vomit. It was such a nauseous feeling. The whole thing made me sick....
I now know how nauseous ppl feel when they are bulimic or anorexic or in deep depression. I didn't feel it full force, but it was already enough....
Forced myself to close everything and try to sleep...eventually i did slp, after a few toss and turns in the bed. Everything keeps replayed in my head, but at least lying down eased the sickness. Sigh. I think i nearly cried at one point...i was so sad.
The next morning i woke up, i felt an unexpected(but not unsettling) feeling of calm within me. Instantly, i knew i had changed. I dunno if the change is good or bad, but i know one thing for sure: i stopped expecting people to stand up for me. Stopped expecting people to protect me. From now onwards i'm truly alone.....i have to start from zero.
And i know, deep down, there won't be anyone to back me up when i need them the most...i don't think there'll be such a person, at least for now(if there is, lol show urself and show to me. LOL)
I don't blame them....my friends, whom i thought should've stood up for me. I'm not angry at them....i'm just really really disappointed. But that's okay, because, in my naivety abt friendships, i had expectation abt them. I expected them to do something. And when they didn't, i'm disappointed. And you know what they say about expectations....
The higher the expectations, the bigger disappointment you'll get. How fucking true.
And i don't want to turn into this angsty and close-minded individual for picking and berating on them for one small case . I don't want to be this calculative person who only knows how to blame others. So trust me when i say i don't blame my friends. I accept what's happened had happened, and even if it's abit hard to swallow, but i'll swallow it anyway. Because there really isn't any other way else, except the dark path.
So the only way is to lower, if not totally dismiss, any expectations i will have from my friends. It might mean i don't trust them anymore, but i'm not thinking in that way. I still trust them, but when it ever comes to a situation of "i got your back", i will simply stop hoping for anything.
Because ever since young until now, it's really been a one-man journey anyway.
And i guess, it is not only until you reach a point, that single point where u simply cannot take it anymore, that you change. And you change into this newer version of yourself whose defenses are up higher than ever, just so they can react and overcome this breaking point. I think that's where i went....the whole incident changed me.
---
Ever since that incident, i've gradually returned to "normal", healing slowly i guess...and thank goodness i didn't choose the other path...cos if that's what happened, i would've just shunned everyone out of my life, and ignore everyone and live life on my own. That's just abit too extreme isn't it? Lol....so far so good for me now though.
Again, a self-recovery process. I wonder if anyone even noticed all this that happened. Lol. To be honest, i really felt like......ending everything there and then. But now thinking back on it, had i done it, it's really stupid thing to do. Luckily i didn't choose that.
To all my friends....i love you guys...u guys helped shape how i am today....although there were good and also bad times, i still wish to continue our friendship in a mutually peaceful way. And it's great knowing you all :)
Sometimes(and this "sometimes" had grown to happen alot of times), I wish, that someday i won't have to continue being so strong, that I can be allowed a moment of weakness; that someday there's a pair of hands that'll hold me; a broad shoulder for me to lie on, and i'll just rest and the person will tell me "everything's going to be okay." Because....i've grown tired of telling that to myself, being my own comforter, being my own "saviour".....
No comments:
Post a Comment