Things can be funny sometimes. Ironic, even. Well, i just find it amusing....
This week...hmm...i dunno wat happened really. So may tension. All from me i guess. In a way, i made it happen, but then, things happened for me to do it. I cant stop myself.
I can sense....awkwardness between me and my 'gang'. My 'gang'. My petname for all of us, tho i keep this only to myself. U see. SOmetimes they annoy me. Like, being too careless. Or just ignorant. Like the incident in my last post. Well, we talked things over. Em, not really 'over'. How did the talk go?
They asked me wat's wrong with me. Why i seem to avoid them. Heck, they were back from drinks, which i rejected following them, and they look sleepy. I ask them if they're sure they wanna talk abt it then. Cos...i wanted to talk abt it when everyone's clear-headed. They insisted. So yeah no choice. I tell them.
With me, its always no choice no choice. Sometimes, i think, i can die because of my friends. Die FOR them. Die COS of them. I think both are applicable. I'm letting myself be taken for granted. when they wanna talk abt stuf i'm there. When they wanna speak abt their problem i'm there. But what abt me? Who do i turn to? Where are they when i need them the most?
I did so much. Yet. Got nothing in return. I'm not directly pur[osefully asking for something back. No, i'm not that kind of person. But i had a talk wiht my other friend, who's not in this circle. We talked abt how some part of us we are similar. One of them is that...we are actually demnding individuals. In a way. I shall explain.
You see. Ppl like me, we dun expect much from other ppl. we dun ask for stuff from other ppl. the only thing we wanted back is something equal. not more, not less. equal and same is fine. like how we ask ppl something, if we asked u only stuff abt A, then of cos when u ask us back it shud be abt A only.
Is dat why i'm expecting so much back in return? just cos i gave out a lot? i dunno....
A while later, i chatted with another friend who's not in that circle as well. i found out we are the same. well i've, we've actually known him to be a loner, but i myself never expected him to be so similar to me. like for real. we talked...abt how no one understands us. yea u may shake ur head and laugh at our pathetic emo-ness, but its true. till now, i can still find not a single person that understands me. and so we shared our experiences wiht other ppl. i found out we had so much in common. i'm starting to really like this guy. as in, like. not crush or sumting. just like. and i'm glad i found another me.
we talked abt possessiveness. he started by asking me...if i am possessive. i replied yea, at times. but not everytime. he said he does it too. we think its a part of us dat we cant help much abt. its in our nature(ppl, read star signs). i shared wiht him my thoughts on possessiveness.
for me...i think its cos i cared too much. so much so until i became possessive, and din realise it until its too late. well now i'm better. now i know when exactly i'm being possessive. so i take a step back and be calm. not always worked...but ut wass definitely helping...
we ended the chat with him advising me to hold on to my friends, cos i dun get many chance at friendship like dat. he's worse, he got no friends. i rily pity him. ahh..well.
So, i shud be more open. Dun be too possessive. treasre them. i'll try..........
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