Merry Christmas!

I'm kinda late now, but still, Merry Christmas!! xD

Christmas this year didnt turn out so bad like hw i imagined. LOL. I thought i wud be drinking in my sorrows alone at home during Christmas. Haha. But nahh, didn't happen. xD

Like last year, went to Spring for the countdown...i think they're making it annual? But i wonder how it's gonna be for next year tho...Kuching'll have two big malls sprawling up by the end of next year i think...

This time tho, went with different friends compared to last year. The grp of friends i went with last year....well. We kinda broke...lost touch with each other. What a difference a year makes...but oh wells.

***

So i had to work still on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc...hahahha...i really thought i won't be able to make it cos i dunno the plans for the night! All i know is...we might close early if we hit the sales target for the day. And boy i was so worked up wishing it will happen quickly LOL.

In the end i did close early, arnd 10pm, and bless my colleague(who was so busy herself she cudnt make it to the dinner we promised to have together), brought me to Spring...but she couldn't find parking and left me to find my friends...kinda sad she can't watch the countdown tho. Sigh.

But i met up with my friends and gosh! The crowd was crazy!! So many ppl! I actually got scolded by someone cos i pushed my way past them...sorry dude!! I admit i was wrong...zzz...anyway i followed my friend's lead out to one side of the area so i could get a nice view of the fireworks.

3mins to countdown....the announcer announced it and everyone cheered. I love it when everyone is cheering...i love it. The atmosphere. Then soon....

10......9.....8......7......6......5......4....3.....2....1...~~~

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then the fireworks start their show. =D

And i stood there and shot as many as i can, hoping i got the settings right. It's my first time shooting fireworks using DSLR....zzzz. People kept walking past me and hit me, i was kinda annoyed cos it distracted from my picture taking...zzz...

I had my friend help me record a video of the whole spectacle too..so yeah, got it on video and photos!



After it stopped though i just went back home...feels weird coming home so early LOL. Thought i could go for supper or perhaps get some beer. But it's ok, at least i did attend the countdown, better than nothing! xD

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For the Christmas Day itself, yeap, was working too, also closed early but nothing much after that, just went back home....started on watching the Korean show "Iris" though, to catch up with a friend, and so far so good! Liking what i see!


So to conclude, i wud say that this year my Christmas is watered dwn, but still enjoyable.



Lastly, wish everyone a blessed year ahead and once again, Merry Christmas!!

Christmas is near!

But i know, long before Christmas, that it'll be ruined for me.

This will be the 3rd straight year. =(

I love Christmas so much!! Even though i'm not a Christian or even know its origins or whatever, i still love it.

The songs, the atmosphere, the spirit, I LOVE IT!!!!

It's my most favourite festival of the year!!

But it's going to be ruined...

I used to sing happily or hum happily when i hear christmas songs....now the Christmas songs just make me sad.

Especially "Last Christmas" by Wham!. I used to diss this song alot, saying "it's not a Christmas song, its a freaking love song!!"

Yes karma's a bitch, and look what happened. Stuff happened to me almost exactly the same in the song. And what's worse, i hear it EVERYWHERE. Like it isn't enough to drive me to death...

Sigh. Why is my Christmas this year gonna be ruined, u ask?

Well because...i lost everything, and everyone, and because of that, i lost the whole meaning of celebrating it too.

Christmas to me, is also a season of giving & forgiving....i am as happy giving presents as receiving them. Spreading the love, ya know? =)

Bt no....i dun have anyone else to celebrate it with anymore. Damn, i'm even working on Christmas Day. What to celebrate? Who to celebrate with?

Just gimme lotsa beer...and i'll drink myself to sleep i guess...

Goodbye.

It's an elusive word between us. No, for u.

U just left...without saying goodbye. I remember once u said something about hating goodbyes. But now...u're the one leaving, is is so hard to say goodbye?

Two days ago....i had a talk with my friend...i needed someone to scold me...to rationalise me...somehow she did it...i know what i had to do early on, but hearing it from someone else, hearing someone confirm that it is the right decision for me, helped alot...

So when u told me abt her, unlike in the past, i didn't feel anything at all...i didn't feel hurt, didn't feel jealousy, no nothing...i even encouraged u to go after her...this time without dying slowly inside. Hah...the way u apologised to me when u pasted the wrong thing to me. And when u said it's unfair to me....i saw it coming, really. I kinda liked the way u thought that it is unfair to me, and u apologising(even so, i suspect u did it on purpose, pasting the wrong thing)...it kinda means u still care.

A care which obviously isn't as much as before. I don't even know the things u said....i don't know which are the truth, which the lies....i donno how to differentiate anymore. U trusted u completely...but hey, i can see the times when u're lying too. I can only keep forgiving....and keeping my head the other way...

U think i'm slow...yes i'm slow at times. Alot of times. But i know a lie when i see one. I always wanted to confront u with it...but i was too scared to "fuck everything up" again...it was the only thing left between us, u know? And so i pretended to believe what u said...i switched topic...i changed the tone of my voice...and there u go, believing all my acts....believing i'm slow...

Enough. I've had enough. I've been relenting for so long.

Yesterday, i wanted to see u....talk to u....because it is a full, final closure for me. I wanted to wish u the best, wanted to see u for one last time. But no....u gave excuses, many many excuses...to avoid seeing me. U even have ur sis meet me instead and gave me a rather lame excuse, even for ur standard....why issit u don't want to see me?

Haven't u made it clear? Haven't i made it clear? Were u thinking i was trying to go after u again?

See, i wanted to settle everything, all the doubts, all the answers with u yesterday. But all u do is run...

Its my final closure...but somehow it didn't happen the way i want. So does this closure still count then?

***

I still can't believe what i did last night. I risked everything, even my health. In the end i get nothing...but its expected. Just wish u had been mre classy with it.

It's the final time. The final time i will do something so stupid for u. I'm not going to do it anymore.

Ppl will say i'm stupid. Yes i am. But the way i see it, i'm one stupid, hopeless romantic.

Only when u need me.

U only come find me when u want something from me.

A piece of information.....a favour...

Wat else?

It used to be when u wud find me for ANYTHING....

Now u only come to me when u are bored....when u are curious abt stuff i knw which u don't...

You dont even greet me....ask how i am....stuffs...u just jumped straight to YOUR point.....

And when u got what u wanted(how can i ever say no to u?) u just leave the conversation hanging there...

Silence...

In the silence i am waiting....foolishly waiting...

If u'll ever ask me how am i doing, or what's up with me...

Perhaps u sensed it....u sensed the silence...

And then, miraculously...u asked...

"what's up?"

I would've been happy....should've been happy when u asked...

But....i can't help but feel...

U asked just for the sake of asking.

I was tempted....to tell u how i really am.

But...u didn't care from the start. Why should you care now if i tell you?

U didn't even put in heart into what u're asking...

So what if i told u?

U don't care at all.

U asked just for the sake of asking.

And to think....it took this conversation for me to confirm what i've suspected all along...

U 'hid' me didnt u? if u didn't..then u really avoided my stuff...

Until what i had posted or shared...u don't even know.

U really avoided me that much huh. U really went to such lengths to show u dun care huh.

Seriously? After what we've been through...

Am i only worth this much?

Only find me when u are bored...only for information extraction...

Even had to set certain rules when we talk....

Couldn't we talk like how we did before?

I just want us back to where we once used to be...

Before all hell broke loose.

I meant something to u then. Now i mean nothing...

Sometimes i rather u leave me alone...

Sometimes i rather u don't find me at all...

If the only thing u want from me is just information.

Closure.

So. Finally got closure.

I dunno where to go to from here now. But I've said what i needed to say. I did my part.

I dunno how i'm supposed to react. Hurt because of what u said, or jump in jubilation cos i was right.

Either way, the ball's in your court now.

Somehow.....i don't foresee us ever talking again.

"Try not being a misunderstood being."

As if it is that easy. Try.

Hell, ppl misunderstood me without even me trying to.

And the weigh of people's expectations...it just seems like i'm not allowed a space to commit mistakes. I'm not forgiven for some fault i overlook.

If i try to explain why i made certain mistakes, then people start saying how irresponsible of my actions i really am, how i whine to the world no one understood my well-intentions.

Irresponsible? How abt u saying that to urself? U combusted by ur own will attacking me on something YOU misunderstood, and when i showed u the reason and source of the misunderstanding, u just ignored everything like it never happened.

Not even a sorry. Not even an apology for ruining my night. Not even a token of appreciation for my little help. Not even anything...

And u just stood there and encouraged me to hurt myself even deeper, when i've been hurt so much by ur hurtful words and ur general lack of understanding me as a person.

FUCK U.

Uhm. Yeah.

Hi.

Long time no see.

So what's up everyone?

One year.

It had been exactly one year.

If u were to tell me one year later we would arrive at a stage like this, i would've barfed. If u had told me we'd go thru things we went through, i would've laughed at u.

But....things did happen, and who's to change what's already happened?

Anyway, i'll be celebrating this day alone. Yay.

Cheers....

Skype.

No one is skyping anymore.

I feel so....lonely. And empty.

I remember last year...Skype is where all the fun happened. We'd be online and talk crap most of the time, but we talked and discussed abt assignments too.

Cant help but think back on the days when we would skype call and discuss abt assignment...i still remember there was once this looong conversation going on...i think abt 5hrs straight before the line turned really bad and it all got cut off. But in the end we called again anyway and continued to talk.... xD

Even had a "designer's area" and shit like that...it was SO MUCH FUN. Talking to each other without seeing each other, cos didnt have class etc..plans to surprise friends are also made there...it was so cool....

Chats that lasted until late nights or early mornings. Jokes that were so funny it was hard to continue typing. Teases here and there.

----

Now...the place's just empty. No one is online there anymre. Everyone reverted back to MSN. Or left, because Skype was too much for them. Or they wanna avoid sumone. Or too many painful or regrettable memories. Or too busy etc. Or lazy.

Designer's area is no more. Ppl opted out, no one online anymre. Now whenever i signed onto skype, i don't see everyone anymore. I keep hoping sumone would pop out, but none came.

It was so empty....so lonely. Its like....a ghost town. Or....an abandoned playground. Where there was once happiness and liveliness, now all that's left are barren landscapes of death. Time is still. Not a word, not a sound, not even a whisper.

----

Ever read Order of The Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince? Harry and his friends were part of a secret group of the name "Order of Phoenix". When they were discovered, they "disbanded"......but it was later revealed sum of its faithful members had been waiting for a day when all the members get to fight together again as part of the Order.

The faithful members had been holding onto the coin that they shared, waiting for it to glow, to come to life.

I am still waiting for u guys to come back. I am still waiting for it to glow.

But sadly.....everything seems bleak now.

Week 8?? O.o

Wtf it's Week 8 already!!!

Today is the start of school again after the mid-term break.

Haha. The first thing i post when i went to school is "Mid-term break? WHAT mid-term break??"

LOL.

Cos u see, every single day of my mid-term was spent rushing assignment... T.T

But still, its quite a feat. I know i know, i always do things last minute, but hey, at least becos of this i did sum "epic" things....haha...

Not that i'm gonna say what are them here though. Keeping the epicness to myself for now...

Well assignments had been pushed to another deadline...thank goodness we had mre time to finish it..bt it also means we have to fine-tune it to really good...haiz...

Goodluck everyone. March on, soldiers! Let's fight together!!!

Ok i'm getting ahead of myself...back to mre assignments and assignments...goodness its time for Briefs 2 already!!! >.<