Am thinking of opening a new blog. This current one are so messed up....haha....
However, i think the new blog(if i do make one) will contain mostly poetic writings i think. Or words suddenly popping into my head as lyrics or something. Nothing too personal and such.
Which means if i do, i will still keep this current one.
Ahh headache. Need to think of a new name. =O
Btw, am thinking of changing my Twitter name and setting it to private.
I even got the new name already ;) i woke up from an alternate Twitter universe and it just came to my mind!! :D
Cool! I stole something from my dreams!! :D
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Public holiday
So Malaysia won the AFF Suzuki Cup, and the nation got a public holiday on Dec 31 as a result??
Wow. Seems like we all will declare any day as a very important day just cause the nation achieved something.
Yes, the Cup is important, and according to my friend, it finally came home after 12yrs.
My question is, does that seem like a reasonable reason enough to declare a day to be public holiday?
Ohh yes...12yrs....that is long, and we finally achieved our glory. But hey, it took u 12 years. Is that even something to be proud of? And amidst a very known humiliation that our country's football standards had fallen really deep to the very bottom of the heap. The win, of course, gave some bleak hope to this fast degrading national football team.
Is that all? The only reason to give public servants a day off because of a football team even they themselves looked down on?
Yes, i agree, the team should be congratulated and their achievement appreciated and recognised, but this is not they way.
I predict when the team is back in M'sia they will be showered with gifts and titles or honours.
And then, like previous medal winners before them(in other sports of course), fall into a hopeless and pathetic slump, never achieving anything significant again because they get their heads lost in all that materialistic glory.
Yes i am judging, but unless everyone's attitude changes, even those bestowing the gifts, it will happen.
Wow. Seems like we all will declare any day as a very important day just cause the nation achieved something.
Yes, the Cup is important, and according to my friend, it finally came home after 12yrs.
My question is, does that seem like a reasonable reason enough to declare a day to be public holiday?
Ohh yes...12yrs....that is long, and we finally achieved our glory. But hey, it took u 12 years. Is that even something to be proud of? And amidst a very known humiliation that our country's football standards had fallen really deep to the very bottom of the heap. The win, of course, gave some bleak hope to this fast degrading national football team.
Is that all? The only reason to give public servants a day off because of a football team even they themselves looked down on?
Yes, i agree, the team should be congratulated and their achievement appreciated and recognised, but this is not they way.
I predict when the team is back in M'sia they will be showered with gifts and titles or honours.
And then, like previous medal winners before them(in other sports of course), fall into a hopeless and pathetic slump, never achieving anything significant again because they get their heads lost in all that materialistic glory.
Yes i am judging, but unless everyone's attitude changes, even those bestowing the gifts, it will happen.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
In the little corner....
Went back and read all the posts again....
All i can say is, i miss the old us.
Other than that, i thought i would feel sad....but no, i'm not. Perhaps slightly...but not as much as i thought i would feel.
I feel like continuing the posts. I feel, too, of deleting them. Deleting everything...
But a tiny part of me wants to preserve that. Preserve what is already lost.
Since it doesn't affect me much now, clicking it into oblivion won't change anything. Perhaps, only adding future regret.
What abt continuing it?
I don't know what to write or say, even if it is so.
So shall i leave it as it is? It looks and feels incomplete...everything was hanging there.
I was in the middle of my story. A story i now know nearing its end, but recording-wise, still halfway thru.
Was there even the need to continue it?
I don't know, i don't know....
All i can say is, i miss the old us.
Other than that, i thought i would feel sad....but no, i'm not. Perhaps slightly...but not as much as i thought i would feel.
I feel like continuing the posts. I feel, too, of deleting them. Deleting everything...
But a tiny part of me wants to preserve that. Preserve what is already lost.
Since it doesn't affect me much now, clicking it into oblivion won't change anything. Perhaps, only adding future regret.
What abt continuing it?
I don't know what to write or say, even if it is so.
So shall i leave it as it is? It looks and feels incomplete...everything was hanging there.
I was in the middle of my story. A story i now know nearing its end, but recording-wise, still halfway thru.
Was there even the need to continue it?
I don't know, i don't know....
Monday, December 27, 2010
Merry Christmas!
I'm kinda late now, but still, Merry Christmas!! xD
Christmas this year didnt turn out so bad like hw i imagined. LOL. I thought i wud be drinking in my sorrows alone at home during Christmas. Haha. But nahh, didn't happen. xD
Like last year, went to Spring for the countdown...i think they're making it annual? But i wonder how it's gonna be for next year tho...Kuching'll have two big malls sprawling up by the end of next year i think...
This time tho, went with different friends compared to last year. The grp of friends i went with last year....well. We kinda broke...lost touch with each other. What a difference a year makes...but oh wells.
***
So i had to work still on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc...hahahha...i really thought i won't be able to make it cos i dunno the plans for the night! All i know is...we might close early if we hit the sales target for the day. And boy i was so worked up wishing it will happen quickly LOL.
In the end i did close early, arnd 10pm, and bless my colleague(who was so busy herself she cudnt make it to the dinner we promised to have together), brought me to Spring...but she couldn't find parking and left me to find my friends...kinda sad she can't watch the countdown tho. Sigh.
But i met up with my friends and gosh! The crowd was crazy!! So many ppl! I actually got scolded by someone cos i pushed my way past them...sorry dude!! I admit i was wrong...zzz...anyway i followed my friend's lead out to one side of the area so i could get a nice view of the fireworks.
3mins to countdown....the announcer announced it and everyone cheered. I love it when everyone is cheering...i love it. The atmosphere. Then soon....
10......9.....8......7......6......5......4....3.....2....1...~~~
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then the fireworks start their show. =D
And i stood there and shot as many as i can, hoping i got the settings right. It's my first time shooting fireworks using DSLR....zzzz. People kept walking past me and hit me, i was kinda annoyed cos it distracted from my picture taking...zzz...
I had my friend help me record a video of the whole spectacle too..so yeah, got it on video and photos!
After it stopped though i just went back home...feels weird coming home so early LOL. Thought i could go for supper or perhaps get some beer. But it's ok, at least i did attend the countdown, better than nothing! xD
----
For the Christmas Day itself, yeap, was working too, also closed early but nothing much after that, just went back home....started on watching the Korean show "Iris" though, to catch up with a friend, and so far so good! Liking what i see!
So to conclude, i wud say that this year my Christmas is watered dwn, but still enjoyable.
Lastly, wish everyone a blessed year ahead and once again, Merry Christmas!!
Christmas this year didnt turn out so bad like hw i imagined. LOL. I thought i wud be drinking in my sorrows alone at home during Christmas. Haha. But nahh, didn't happen. xD
Like last year, went to Spring for the countdown...i think they're making it annual? But i wonder how it's gonna be for next year tho...Kuching'll have two big malls sprawling up by the end of next year i think...
This time tho, went with different friends compared to last year. The grp of friends i went with last year....well. We kinda broke...lost touch with each other. What a difference a year makes...but oh wells.
***
So i had to work still on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc...hahahha...i really thought i won't be able to make it cos i dunno the plans for the night! All i know is...we might close early if we hit the sales target for the day. And boy i was so worked up wishing it will happen quickly LOL.
In the end i did close early, arnd 10pm, and bless my colleague(who was so busy herself she cudnt make it to the dinner we promised to have together), brought me to Spring...but she couldn't find parking and left me to find my friends...kinda sad she can't watch the countdown tho. Sigh.
But i met up with my friends and gosh! The crowd was crazy!! So many ppl! I actually got scolded by someone cos i pushed my way past them...sorry dude!! I admit i was wrong...zzz...anyway i followed my friend's lead out to one side of the area so i could get a nice view of the fireworks.
3mins to countdown....the announcer announced it and everyone cheered. I love it when everyone is cheering...i love it. The atmosphere. Then soon....
10......9.....8......7......6......5......4....3.....2....1...~~~
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then the fireworks start their show. =D
And i stood there and shot as many as i can, hoping i got the settings right. It's my first time shooting fireworks using DSLR....zzzz. People kept walking past me and hit me, i was kinda annoyed cos it distracted from my picture taking...zzz...
I had my friend help me record a video of the whole spectacle too..so yeah, got it on video and photos!
After it stopped though i just went back home...feels weird coming home so early LOL. Thought i could go for supper or perhaps get some beer. But it's ok, at least i did attend the countdown, better than nothing! xD
----
For the Christmas Day itself, yeap, was working too, also closed early but nothing much after that, just went back home....started on watching the Korean show "Iris" though, to catch up with a friend, and so far so good! Liking what i see!
So to conclude, i wud say that this year my Christmas is watered dwn, but still enjoyable.
Lastly, wish everyone a blessed year ahead and once again, Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas is near!
But i know, long before Christmas, that it'll be ruined for me.
This will be the 3rd straight year. =(
I love Christmas so much!! Even though i'm not a Christian or even know its origins or whatever, i still love it.
The songs, the atmosphere, the spirit, I LOVE IT!!!!
It's my most favourite festival of the year!!
But it's going to be ruined...
I used to sing happily or hum happily when i hear christmas songs....now the Christmas songs just make me sad.
Especially "Last Christmas" by Wham!. I used to diss this song alot, saying "it's not a Christmas song, its a freaking love song!!"
Yes karma's a bitch, and look what happened. Stuff happened to me almost exactly the same in the song. And what's worse, i hear it EVERYWHERE. Like it isn't enough to drive me to death...
Sigh. Why is my Christmas this year gonna be ruined, u ask?
Well because...i lost everything, and everyone, and because of that, i lost the whole meaning of celebrating it too.
Christmas to me, is also a season of giving & forgiving....i am as happy giving presents as receiving them. Spreading the love, ya know? =)
Bt no....i dun have anyone else to celebrate it with anymore. Damn, i'm even working on Christmas Day. What to celebrate? Who to celebrate with?
Just gimme lotsa beer...and i'll drink myself to sleep i guess...
This will be the 3rd straight year. =(
I love Christmas so much!! Even though i'm not a Christian or even know its origins or whatever, i still love it.
The songs, the atmosphere, the spirit, I LOVE IT!!!!
It's my most favourite festival of the year!!
But it's going to be ruined...
I used to sing happily or hum happily when i hear christmas songs....now the Christmas songs just make me sad.
Especially "Last Christmas" by Wham!. I used to diss this song alot, saying "it's not a Christmas song, its a freaking love song!!"
Yes karma's a bitch, and look what happened. Stuff happened to me almost exactly the same in the song. And what's worse, i hear it EVERYWHERE. Like it isn't enough to drive me to death...
Sigh. Why is my Christmas this year gonna be ruined, u ask?
Well because...i lost everything, and everyone, and because of that, i lost the whole meaning of celebrating it too.
Christmas to me, is also a season of giving & forgiving....i am as happy giving presents as receiving them. Spreading the love, ya know? =)
Bt no....i dun have anyone else to celebrate it with anymore. Damn, i'm even working on Christmas Day. What to celebrate? Who to celebrate with?
Just gimme lotsa beer...and i'll drink myself to sleep i guess...
Goodbye.
It's an elusive word between us. No, for u.
U just left...without saying goodbye. I remember once u said something about hating goodbyes. But now...u're the one leaving, is is so hard to say goodbye?
Two days ago....i had a talk with my friend...i needed someone to scold me...to rationalise me...somehow she did it...i know what i had to do early on, but hearing it from someone else, hearing someone confirm that it is the right decision for me, helped alot...
So when u told me abt her, unlike in the past, i didn't feel anything at all...i didn't feel hurt, didn't feel jealousy, no nothing...i even encouraged u to go after her...this time without dying slowly inside. Hah...the way u apologised to me when u pasted the wrong thing to me. And when u said it's unfair to me....i saw it coming, really. I kinda liked the way u thought that it is unfair to me, and u apologising(even so, i suspect u did it on purpose, pasting the wrong thing)...it kinda means u still care.
A care which obviously isn't as much as before. I don't even know the things u said....i don't know which are the truth, which the lies....i donno how to differentiate anymore. U trusted u completely...but hey, i can see the times when u're lying too. I can only keep forgiving....and keeping my head the other way...
U think i'm slow...yes i'm slow at times. Alot of times. But i know a lie when i see one. I always wanted to confront u with it...but i was too scared to "fuck everything up" again...it was the only thing left between us, u know? And so i pretended to believe what u said...i switched topic...i changed the tone of my voice...and there u go, believing all my acts....believing i'm slow...
Enough. I've had enough. I've been relenting for so long.
Yesterday, i wanted to see u....talk to u....because it is a full, final closure for me. I wanted to wish u the best, wanted to see u for one last time. But no....u gave excuses, many many excuses...to avoid seeing me. U even have ur sis meet me instead and gave me a rather lame excuse, even for ur standard....why issit u don't want to see me?
Haven't u made it clear? Haven't i made it clear? Were u thinking i was trying to go after u again?
See, i wanted to settle everything, all the doubts, all the answers with u yesterday. But all u do is run...
Its my final closure...but somehow it didn't happen the way i want. So does this closure still count then?
***
I still can't believe what i did last night. I risked everything, even my health. In the end i get nothing...but its expected. Just wish u had been mre classy with it.
It's the final time. The final time i will do something so stupid for u. I'm not going to do it anymore.
Ppl will say i'm stupid. Yes i am. But the way i see it, i'm one stupid, hopeless romantic.
U just left...without saying goodbye. I remember once u said something about hating goodbyes. But now...u're the one leaving, is is so hard to say goodbye?
Two days ago....i had a talk with my friend...i needed someone to scold me...to rationalise me...somehow she did it...i know what i had to do early on, but hearing it from someone else, hearing someone confirm that it is the right decision for me, helped alot...
So when u told me abt her, unlike in the past, i didn't feel anything at all...i didn't feel hurt, didn't feel jealousy, no nothing...i even encouraged u to go after her...this time without dying slowly inside. Hah...the way u apologised to me when u pasted the wrong thing to me. And when u said it's unfair to me....i saw it coming, really. I kinda liked the way u thought that it is unfair to me, and u apologising(even so, i suspect u did it on purpose, pasting the wrong thing)...it kinda means u still care.
A care which obviously isn't as much as before. I don't even know the things u said....i don't know which are the truth, which the lies....i donno how to differentiate anymore. U trusted u completely...but hey, i can see the times when u're lying too. I can only keep forgiving....and keeping my head the other way...
U think i'm slow...yes i'm slow at times. Alot of times. But i know a lie when i see one. I always wanted to confront u with it...but i was too scared to "fuck everything up" again...it was the only thing left between us, u know? And so i pretended to believe what u said...i switched topic...i changed the tone of my voice...and there u go, believing all my acts....believing i'm slow...
Enough. I've had enough. I've been relenting for so long.
Yesterday, i wanted to see u....talk to u....because it is a full, final closure for me. I wanted to wish u the best, wanted to see u for one last time. But no....u gave excuses, many many excuses...to avoid seeing me. U even have ur sis meet me instead and gave me a rather lame excuse, even for ur standard....why issit u don't want to see me?
Haven't u made it clear? Haven't i made it clear? Were u thinking i was trying to go after u again?
See, i wanted to settle everything, all the doubts, all the answers with u yesterday. But all u do is run...
Its my final closure...but somehow it didn't happen the way i want. So does this closure still count then?
***
I still can't believe what i did last night. I risked everything, even my health. In the end i get nothing...but its expected. Just wish u had been mre classy with it.
It's the final time. The final time i will do something so stupid for u. I'm not going to do it anymore.
Ppl will say i'm stupid. Yes i am. But the way i see it, i'm one stupid, hopeless romantic.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Only when u need me.
U only come find me when u want something from me.
A piece of information.....a favour...
Wat else?
It used to be when u wud find me for ANYTHING....
Now u only come to me when u are bored....when u are curious abt stuff i knw which u don't...
You dont even greet me....ask how i am....stuffs...u just jumped straight to YOUR point.....
And when u got what u wanted(how can i ever say no to u?) u just leave the conversation hanging there...
Silence...
In the silence i am waiting....foolishly waiting...
If u'll ever ask me how am i doing, or what's up with me...
Perhaps u sensed it....u sensed the silence...
And then, miraculously...u asked...
"what's up?"
I would've been happy....should've been happy when u asked...
But....i can't help but feel...
U asked just for the sake of asking.
I was tempted....to tell u how i really am.
But...u didn't care from the start. Why should you care now if i tell you?
U didn't even put in heart into what u're asking...
So what if i told u?
U don't care at all.
U asked just for the sake of asking.
And to think....it took this conversation for me to confirm what i've suspected all along...
U 'hid' me didnt u? if u didn't..then u really avoided my stuff...
Until what i had posted or shared...u don't even know.
U really avoided me that much huh. U really went to such lengths to show u dun care huh.
Seriously? After what we've been through...
Am i only worth this much?
Only find me when u are bored...only for information extraction...
Even had to set certain rules when we talk....
Couldn't we talk like how we did before?
I just want us back to where we once used to be...
Before all hell broke loose.
I meant something to u then. Now i mean nothing...
Sometimes i rather u leave me alone...
Sometimes i rather u don't find me at all...
If the only thing u want from me is just information.
A piece of information.....a favour...
Wat else?
It used to be when u wud find me for ANYTHING....
Now u only come to me when u are bored....when u are curious abt stuff i knw which u don't...
You dont even greet me....ask how i am....stuffs...u just jumped straight to YOUR point.....
And when u got what u wanted(how can i ever say no to u?) u just leave the conversation hanging there...
Silence...
In the silence i am waiting....foolishly waiting...
If u'll ever ask me how am i doing, or what's up with me...
Perhaps u sensed it....u sensed the silence...
And then, miraculously...u asked...
"what's up?"
I would've been happy....should've been happy when u asked...
But....i can't help but feel...
U asked just for the sake of asking.
I was tempted....to tell u how i really am.
But...u didn't care from the start. Why should you care now if i tell you?
U didn't even put in heart into what u're asking...
So what if i told u?
U don't care at all.
U asked just for the sake of asking.
And to think....it took this conversation for me to confirm what i've suspected all along...
U 'hid' me didnt u? if u didn't..then u really avoided my stuff...
Until what i had posted or shared...u don't even know.
U really avoided me that much huh. U really went to such lengths to show u dun care huh.
Seriously? After what we've been through...
Am i only worth this much?
Only find me when u are bored...only for information extraction...
Even had to set certain rules when we talk....
Couldn't we talk like how we did before?
I just want us back to where we once used to be...
Before all hell broke loose.
I meant something to u then. Now i mean nothing...
Sometimes i rather u leave me alone...
Sometimes i rather u don't find me at all...
If the only thing u want from me is just information.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Closure.
So. Finally got closure.
I dunno where to go to from here now. But I've said what i needed to say. I did my part.
I dunno how i'm supposed to react. Hurt because of what u said, or jump in jubilation cos i was right.
Either way, the ball's in your court now.
Somehow.....i don't foresee us ever talking again.
I dunno where to go to from here now. But I've said what i needed to say. I did my part.
I dunno how i'm supposed to react. Hurt because of what u said, or jump in jubilation cos i was right.
Either way, the ball's in your court now.
Somehow.....i don't foresee us ever talking again.
Friday, November 26, 2010
"Try not being a misunderstood being."
As if it is that easy. Try.
Hell, ppl misunderstood me without even me trying to.
And the weigh of people's expectations...it just seems like i'm not allowed a space to commit mistakes. I'm not forgiven for some fault i overlook.
If i try to explain why i made certain mistakes, then people start saying how irresponsible of my actions i really am, how i whine to the world no one understood my well-intentions.
Irresponsible? How abt u saying that to urself? U combusted by ur own will attacking me on something YOU misunderstood, and when i showed u the reason and source of the misunderstanding, u just ignored everything like it never happened.
Not even a sorry. Not even an apology for ruining my night. Not even a token of appreciation for my little help. Not even anything...
And u just stood there and encouraged me to hurt myself even deeper, when i've been hurt so much by ur hurtful words and ur general lack of understanding me as a person.
FUCK U.
As if it is that easy. Try.
Hell, ppl misunderstood me without even me trying to.
And the weigh of people's expectations...it just seems like i'm not allowed a space to commit mistakes. I'm not forgiven for some fault i overlook.
If i try to explain why i made certain mistakes, then people start saying how irresponsible of my actions i really am, how i whine to the world no one understood my well-intentions.
Irresponsible? How abt u saying that to urself? U combusted by ur own will attacking me on something YOU misunderstood, and when i showed u the reason and source of the misunderstanding, u just ignored everything like it never happened.
Not even a sorry. Not even an apology for ruining my night. Not even a token of appreciation for my little help. Not even anything...
And u just stood there and encouraged me to hurt myself even deeper, when i've been hurt so much by ur hurtful words and ur general lack of understanding me as a person.
FUCK U.
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