Ipoh Trip 18-19/6/11

Hey everyone! Last weekend i went on a short trip to Ipoh, Perak to visit my friend who's an Ipoh native xDD It's a really short trip though so there aren't many pictures taken(add a flat battery to that mix...), but i guess this is the first picture blog post i've written in a long while, so enjoy!

***

1st Day - Arrival at 3pm
I actually bought an earlier ticket to Ipoh(9.25am) but i missed the train due to oversleeping =.="" so i was forced to take the next train at 1pm instead...in the end i only arrived abt 4pm in Ipoh, which is like SO LATE ALREADY!! >< i felt really awful for missing the train though. Zzzz. But my sadness is gone once i arrive and saw this wonderful structure that is the train station xD

That was the Perak state flag. To be honest i don't really know all how the state flags look like, except for Sarawak. Yeahhhh i can be excused cos i dun grow up in my own country! =P

My friend then brought me to try the soya products sold at this stall, and it's very obvious it's famous as there were literally cars lining up just to buy either their soya bean drink or their "tofu-fa", a bean curd desert. We ordered ours and consumed it right there in the car.

"Taufu-fa" or bean curd desssert

My soya drink with grass jelly

Then we went to one of the old streets in town where my friend visits alot on her photoshoots. I like retro buildings and old alleys, so it was a thrill being there. Here're a few pics i took there:

A very interesting door lock.

After that we went to the Ipoh Parade Mall since we had no idea where to go as alot of the places she wants to bring me to are either closed or not the right time of the day yet =.= had some fried chicken from a popular Taiwanese franchise, which was kinda like a suicide since both of us are sick at the time and yet we still ate fried foods xD after that we strolled for abit more before going back to her house to rest and get ready for the night out.

We went out with her father who brought us to this marvelous restaurant famous for its chicken, bean sprout and "hor fun" (which was what we ordered). The restaurant was called "老黄"....a famous HK chef and food aficionado (i forgot his name...) and HK actress Ella Kwoon ate at that restaurant before! Cos their picture was hung up at the wall... xD Because i didn't bring my camera along tho(left it in my friend's car) i didn't take any pictures of them....so sayang!

Satisfied and full with the meal, we went back home for a short rest before heading out again, this time me and my friend only. She took me for a spin around town, visiting a mall complex with very interesting design amongst others. I did take some pictures but unfortunately the biggest weakness of my camera i.e. night-mode shooting, ISO, poor focusing was happening again and i found out much later that all the pics i took were blurry....

After that we went for a drink session where i finally got to taste "snowflake beer", which is basically freezing up the glass so that it looks "frosty" and like "snow" with plain beer inside. Ours was good ol' Carlsberg(my fav) and i like how the beer looks like in our frosty glass mugs xD we didn't drink too much tho and i was abit worried for my friend because she's driving, but in the end we got home safely and that's enough xD

Because of fatigue + alcohol i fell asleep as soon as i'm in the room(after cleaning up of course).....been a long time since i fall asleep easily. That's partly why i like beer: it relaxes me and gives me a good night's sleep...


2nd Day
Woke up early and headed out for breakfast, where we had a very traditional Chinese breakfast, Dim Sum~ Below is the restaurant where we ate, and i highly recommend you try their Dim Sum here. Good service as well by the staff there.

"Har Kaw" which consists of prawn fillings

I think this is fishball...

A Dim Sum staple, "Chee Cheong Fun". Love the gravy.

This reminds me abit of Tempura... Prawn fillings inside.

A surprise. I really like this, especially the lotus filling! =D

An all-time favourite of mine: Egg Tart. Love this, but my friend told me there's a better one in the market. Need to try that the next time xD

Another popular Dim Sum staple, "Char Siew Pau"

I thought it was fishball again but it tastes different. I dunno what ball is this...haha....xD

A Dim Sum session is never complete for me without the King of Dim Sum, "Shiew Mai"! Like those in Miri, these has actual prawn fillings in it, but unlike in Miri, these have fish roes as topping.

After breakfast, her Dad took us to visit the Gunung Lang Recreation Park, a famous tourist park attraction with it's amazing mountains. Did i say i love mountains? xD They're not huge to be qualified as "Mount" but it was big enough for me to gape at. Hahaha. There's a lake in the centre of the park where u have to cross over by boat to reach the garden where you can have a nice and quiet stroll....

Big, fat, healthy and happy fishes =D

The following pics are taken after crossing the lake and onto the garden park...

There's even a mini playground.

Absolutely loved the views. The calmness of the water, the peaceful greenery....

And surprise, surprise....there's a small enclosure where two ostriches, a couple of deers and turkeys are kept! =D

I dunno how much time passed but we spent a long time there taking pics and strolling around, which was cool(i kinda needed this break in pace from the city). But then it is time to go back....and when we were back they had already switched on the artificial man-made waterfall which is a sight to behold, really.

And this, which basically described the park itself.

That was the end of our Gunung Lang visit! Next we went to the Ipoh Cave Temple, which is what it name suggests, a temple in the cave itself. It was a wonderful sight within and instantly i was reminded of a very vague memory of the insides of the Batu Caves which i visited years ago when i was younger with my mom and brother. I took some pics but my battery went flat after awhile and i was forced to imprint every sight i had in my mind instead....

So i'm sorry for the lack of pictures from here on! Even the pics i took in the temple are blurry themselves so i decided not to post it. There was a staircase which u can climb all the way up to the top of the mountain(ok not really the highest point i think but still high enough) and reward yourself with a good view of Ipoh i think, but i only managed 5/6 of the trip up before i surrendered climbing up the stairs due to fatigue in my legs and a need to go to the toilet =X but the workout gave me a good sweat and i kinda love it actually, got my adrenaline pumping xD but one thing tho the steps are narrow and you have to be extra careful when u climb back down...

After that we went and visit another cave, the 'Kek Lok Tong' Cave or in chinese 极乐洞. Compared with the Ipoh Cave Temple this cave is wider on the inside, where the ceiling are beautiful limestone 'decorations' created by mother Nature herself over hundreds of years.....i absolutely love it there. The cave is also much, much windier than the first as it has another opening out at the back to a valley behind the mountain(which i did not go down to because of the heat and sunny-ness). It was there i finally managed to cool down abit. It was very relaxing, and there are statues inside as well which i saw a few ppl 'kowtow-ing' to....

One funny thing was because there were swallow nests inside the cave and naturally swallows flying about and shooting their dropping down, some parts of the floor were full of dropping stains....and i was looking at an information board of the cave near the entrance. When i finished i turned around to go explore other areas and right at that time when i was about to step forward, a swallow dropping fell in front of me with a huge *SPLAT* sound. 

Oh my god!!! One more step and it would've fallen onto my head! I was really really lucky!!! Damn you really wouldn't wanna be pissed on by swallows. Smell like....shit... == lol and i looked at the place on the floor where the 'dropping' landed and saw that it was full of dried dropping stain, so i guess that's like a "danger zone" of bird droppings or something....haha... xD

After that it was time for lunch so we went back to the town area and had our lunch at this restaurant called "老方" (forgot the full name but it's like "Fang's Restaurant" where we had beansprout again, with steamed eggs(like how my mom cooks it which i absolutely love), another plate of vege and fish(loooong time since i last had fish). Again it was delicious and i was very full by the time we finished.

Then we went back home and her Dad had to leave for office for official matters and me and my friend took a break at home and rest(we were tired haha). Then it was time for me to go to the train station(departing at 7pm) so my friend brought me to the station, we had a little tea break while waiting for the train(almost missed the train due to confusion over train number, but in the end it was the right train). The train departed punctually at 7pm, i bid farewell to my friend with a heavy heart. I didn't wanna leave so soon! =( feels like i haven't really explored much yet, which is kinda the truth xD i really wished i hadn't missed the train on the first day and wasted half the day away...zzzz

I'm gonna go back there again one day, perhaps that time with a new camera xD then i can go photoshooting with my friend and made sure to take more complete pictures of the place! xD Like how my friend described Ipoh, it was a pretty laid-back town, perhaps that's why i instantly like it. One day, i'll be back again!

Lastly, a picture of the lovely people who brought me around visiting, my friend and her Dad =) Thank you and bless you two! =)

Note: If you wanna see more pictures of my trip you can head over to my Facebook album named "Virgin Steps: Ipoh, Perak". I've also edited some of the pictures i took and posted it on my DeviantArt, where you can check them out.

Have a good day peeps! :)

Travel blog?

Should i do a travel blog?


Lately that has been the question swimming in my head. I've went to a couple of different places, picked up some tips, experienced stuff, ate alot of food, walked alot of places. So should i do a travel blog where i can put down stuffs/tips of travel and share with everyone?

I dont mind sharing tips/information...i'm mre than happy to help other people. Sometimes i can't wait to show my friends what i had ate, which road to take, what sights i've seen. I want ppl to experience the joys i had going thru all that! xD

But another part of me worries that this is gonna be another stale blog...i'm worried after a couple of posts, i'll get tired of it and won't update it as much...i'm just gonna leave it there to be filled with dust. I don't want that! I need a commitment...but i'm unsure right now how much i can give.

Esp with a not-so-stable internet line....i might be put off trying to upload pictures. And there's gonna be alot of pictures if i was to make a travel blog. Come on....a travel blog without pictures is like a blank piece of photograph.

That and hmm.... i wanna tell of my stories to my special someone. LOL i know it's cheesy, but some stories are left for some people, people who will actually go with me on these adventures. Something only we can experience. If i say it all out in the blog...will i have anything else mysterious enough to share? ><

Erghhh...i'm thinking so much >< lol tend to do that. But i haven't reached a decision yet. It's still a baby plan for now....but thoughts please! >< Thank u!

RIP Ariadne!

Ariadne is the name i give to my phone, a birthday present i gave myself last year. It was a HTC Aria running on the wonderful Android OS. I had it upgraded to version 2.2 when it "left" me.

I never blogged abt it when i first got it, but rest assured i was very excited abt it that time. It also marked the most expensive single purchase i ever made(prior to that was my own PSP, also a bday present i gave myself). Looks like i really tend to spoil myself...xD

Anyway, this is the second phone i lost on my account. First one is the Nokia 5610 which is passed to me by my dad to use(making it the more guilty ass that i am), which was lost due to pure carelessness(left it in the car). I believe i wrote abt it too back then. ><

So.......................the full story goes like this.

***

I was working on Saturday(11/6) so since i'm already out on the streets i might as well go get some things done: buy tickets to visit my friend in nearby state Ipoh & visit the famous and popular shopping hotspot Midvalley Megamall(cos i never been there before) to kill the rest of the afternoon away.

So after buying the ticket to Ipoh i went to buy ticket to Midvalley (i found out earlier i had to take the KTM train to reach there from KL Sentral), first time using the KTM ticket machine(which is disastrous, it keeps rejecting my notes) which is unlike the LRT ticket machines. ANyway i got my tickets and had some doubts when slipping it into the ticket entry(again faulty-looking old machines ==) but in the end i managed to go to the platform to wait for the train, which is underground.

The platform underground is very stuffy and full of train/metal/charcoal smell. It's not too strong but u can still smell it. And only the platform's lighted, the tracks are not lighted so its slightly dark but overall well-luminated in the important places. As its my first time there, like always i whipped out my phone and started taking pictures of the place, of the tracks and hopefully a video of the train approaching the platform....

There was a bunch of Indians who kept looking at my direction....and as soon as i realise the train isn't going to come as fast & frequent like the LRT, i went and stood on the other side of the platform, away from the Indians and queuing up to board the train.

Finally after abt 10mins the train came, and before it even stopped fully people already started pushing into the train...i was jumped queue by this two women who literally barged their way thru(and giving me a nasty look while at it!)...that was only the beginning of the horror. I was very shocked at the way people seem to not care about the safety of other people and just kept pushing towards the train  doors. I started to become distracted by the hoopla surrounding me. That and all i was thinking was "Don't fall! Don't fall!" and with that i pressed my bag against me and felt it pressing my phone(which i put in my pocket to avoid pulling attention to my bag) which by that i can feel my phone's presence with me in the midst of the chaos.

After awhile i was finally right outside the train door and i can see the complete mess in that spot. People who're pushing to get into the train NEVER lets the people inside come out first. So those inside the train was fighting to get out of the train while ppl on the platform are fighting to get in. It was horrible. I knew it was bad, i just never expected it to be THIS bad.

So at the train door there's this tall foreigner who's struggling to get out. He was right in front of me to my left. He barged his way out(all the while shaking his head at the chaos) which ended up pushing the guy infront of me(who is in front of the foreigner)into my path, causing me to stumble back. and the foreigner's water bottle flew out of his bag too as a result, flying onto my direction. So basically the flying water bottle(a big one still 3/4 full of water) and the man in front are both throwing at me. And at this time the fucker behind me KEEPS pushing me in as well, and because of that, i fell.

I lost my footing and balance and i fell but luckily i stood back up on time beforei can fall to the floor and be stomped to death. All this while "I cannot fall! Don't fall!" was the only thing that is running thru my mind. So i did just that. The whole incident made me lose contact with my bag(it was flying away from me) and as a result it kinda left a huge opening to my pocket right at that precise moment. When i stood back up i was being pushed instantly inside(i was about to shout back at the ppl behind me to STOP PUSHING) & honestly all i was thinking is "get inside, get inside, find a place to stand inside!" so i entered the train through the small & instant gap left behind by the foreigner.

When i stood properly inside i felt for my phone, and it was gone. I went O.O and a dreadful feeling came up within me. My phone! Where is my phone? Ohmigod my phone! I searched my pockets again, even searching my bag, but it wasn't in any of them. I looked back to the train door entrance & look at the people standing there (also at the people outside still pushing in) and thought "one of them has it"....

But i was speechless. I didn't shout out & tell everyone i lost my phone. I didn't even ask if anyone has seen it. Cos i'm pretty much sure someone saw it. I knew right there and then i lost it when i nearly fell earlier. At that precise point either someone took it from my pocket or the phone dropped out of my pocket. If it was stolen, the thief would've been gone. He could already be out of the platform and up to the station above, away from the train. Or he could be inside the train with me but hiding himself among the sea of people crammed in the train.

If it was picked up by someone though, they should've seen it belonged to mine cos it was so obvious. They shud've returned to me. But nooo.....ppl act like nothing happened. My heart was beating so fast and i feel so awful at the realisation i had just been robbed. But i didn't do anything either....i stood rooted to the spot, arms clutching my bag tightly to prevent another lost of belonging. The train door closed and started its way to Midvalley(the first stop), and i was probably in the same confinement with the thief but i did nothing....

My mind at that time was already blank and "blue-screen". Regret, anger, sadness, dread, i feel it all at the same time. As the train stopped and people went out, i was already a mess in my head, zero-logic, blanking out. All i could think abt is i lost my phone. Stupidly at that.

Because my phone was a smartphone, naturally i had apps running on them. If the thief manage to unlock my phone and went online with it, they can have access to my online accounts like Facebook, Twitter etc etc. That is purely a strong invasion of privacy, and i'm not going to let them get that. So i quickly went in search of a cybercafe which would enable me to go online and change my account passwords but there was none to be found.

Face it, how possible is it to have a cybercafe in the middle of a high-class shopping and tourist hotspot? None. I think i spent a good hour roaming the area of Midvalley looking for a place to online. The place is huge and beautiful, plenty of shops, plenty of goods, but i am not enjoying it at all. I couldn't even smile; i was sure my expression that time was grief.

My virgin Midvalley & KTM train experience had been spoilt by this incident. I was in no mood to continue find entertainment anymre. So i decided to go back home to where my spare phone(deactivated the SIM card in my smartphone to prevent abuse of the credit by the thief, had to spend RM10 as it was my second "offence" of losing a SIM card) is, and change my passwords on my own computer. I told my friend and my mum abt it....suffice to say mum is angry and disappointed with me. Sigh.

***

So that was how my phone was taken away from me. I should've seen the warnings...wait i did see it bt not consciously...because you see, before i lost my phone, there were already warning signs given to me....i wasn't parallel with the signs so i couldn't read them at the time...but now that i think abt it, yeah the signs were there...

The day before i lost my phone, i left it at home forgot to bring out for work...as a result i was phone-less the whole day...and because of hardly using it the battery pattern was out of schedule too so i had to charge it at work the next day....and the whole time when i was charging it, i kept fidgeting at it for god knows why(i know why now ==). I keep touching my phone checking its battery, and because that day we had third-party cleaners cleaning the office i was adamant to not leave anything(esp my phone) behind in the office, so that it won't be "freely-given" to the cleaners.

In the end it was "freely taken" away from me anyway. =(

U see...the forgetting to bring the phone out. First sign. A sign that warns me the phone is safer back at home. Second sign is the constant fidgeting. It was a subconscious movement by me to keep a tight grip on my phone...

But ultimately the biggest contribution of all is the thought that attracted this thing to happen. I was subconsciously thinking NOT & NEVER to lose the phone, and this thought manifested itself, causing circumstances to arise which made me lose my phone.

Its a deep process which i can't explain in detail here...but what u think, either consciously or subconsciously, attracts things to happen to approve it. Although i never wanted to lose my phone ever, but the fear of losing it became so great it surpassed the thought that i can actually keep it for a long time, thus suppressing it, and attracted powers to make it happen instead.

So....an important advice to all of you: watch and hear your thoughts. Be careful with what you think. You have the power to attract what you want. But you are able to attract what you don't want either. So be wise!

I don't really blame anyone for this incident....but myself. I blame myself alot. It is my responsibility anyway. No excuses. I should've been more alert. I should've put my phone in my bag instead of my pocket. I shouldn't have attracted attention to my phone by taking pictures. There were so many "should have's"....

I accepted it though....i know and accept this. It's really good making peace with yourself. Yes it still makes me sad at times but i can safely say i got over it already. I accepted it is lost(though there's a tiny hope someone will come back and return it to me) and i understand the circumstances that lead to it. This can only be a lesson to learn in my life. :)

Ariadne, you will be deeply missed. Because u are my own birthday present, and because i own u with my own hard-earned money. I'm sorry i couldn't keep u for even a year and i already lost you.

Moved in!

Yeap, i've moved into my new room. It was such a exhausting trip tho. =/ Luckily i had my friend helping me out, if not....die!!!! But even if there's two of us doing it, we were pretty beat by the end of it....

You see, i brought a huge luggage along with me....that alone already weighs 23kg(can u believe that!), which i found out at the airport when i was checking in. Heavy ehhh!!! I can smuggle a child in it... =X

Other than that huge luggage we had to carry my mattress over. Yeap, i couldn't find a new mattress(mom has a big part in deciding whether those i saw is too expensive or not) in time for the move-in so i took my friend's mattress instead(which he bought over frm his landlord, and he apparently "forgot" the price when i asked him how much to pay him for the mattress ==).

We split my huge luggage into two, borrowing one of his luggage bags, and dragged and lifted them over. My condo was just opposite his, but it's still quite a distance, normal walking time would be about 10mins between each condo. Imagine doing that in a freakishly hot late afternoon. Really. That's how bad it was. =3=

So that was the first trip, then we went back to the shops search for nylon line to tie up the mattress for easier carrying. Since it was a Sunday alot of the shops were actually closed, but luckily after sometime we managed to find one and bought a roll, then went back to my friends condo for the mattress.

I think we spent a good 1/2hr tying up the mattress >< none of us know how to do it, so i tried to do it by visualizing how a tied mattress looks like and tried to tie like that @@ very idiotic way rite! Haha! >< It was so much work though, mattress is quite heavy and it just won't bend == after that we brought it dwnstairs and to my condo.

Alas, halfway thru, it was beginning to be a very hard task. The mattress is very slippery, and really heavier as it go on. Plus i didn't really tie it up properly cos we ran out of ropes in the end @@ so we were carrying it in a very risky(injury!) and dangerous way. We did see a taxi going pass and was flagging it down, but the driver doesn't want to bring us after seeing we're carrying a mattress. NOoooooooooooooo!!!

By the time i threw the mattress in my room it was alr 8.30pm and i hadn't had a proper meal in the whole day. I was famished, so we went to dinner(more like me alone since my friend ate earlier)  We went to this clutter of stalls, and there was this uncle auctioning off crystals. LOL. First time i see something like this, but apparently its quite common among the people there.

And i didn't believe a single thing he said, depsite the really cheap prices and beautiful-lookiing crystals. Haha. It'll take alot for me to believe in the powers of some dug out earthstones. >< After that i part ways with my friend, because i hafta go and buy my fan. Despite being so tired i dun wanna spend the night fan-less.

I got back arnd 10.30pm and spent an hr assembling the damn fan. In the night heat. Already sweating like shit. Ughh i'm so noob at assembling it haha. But i feel glad cos now i did something i never did before!!! :) even tho its simple reassembling...xD

That's how my Sunday went. Now i've grown some "guns" and i cant help but smile when i look at them. LOL. I'm soo freaking vain rite!!! HAHAHAHAHHAA!!!! I like my muscles ok!! xP

Just now managed to clean my room more and got some mre groceries, and starting nxt mth, gottta watch how i spend. Alot of things here are so evil.....they tempt u to part ways with ur hard-earned money! ><

Settling in....

Hey everyone! How's everything going?

I'm now in the capital city of Malaysia already, a huge, bustling and busy city filled with life and the complexities that comes with it. >< I've been here since Wed and only yesterday i managed to find a suitable room to rent for the few upcoming months.

It wasn't easy though, alot of the rooms advertised (i found mine online) are already taken, or too expensive for my budget, too far from the LRT stations, empty rooms with no furniture, or only available in the next mth(July). I was beginning to worry alot that i can't find a suitable room before my work starts, until i saw this current one.

It is quite ok, just that i still need to buy my own fan and mattress. Ok for now i think....since i don't have much choice *shrugs* but yeap, i'll move in tmr, then i can consider myself fully settled. xD

In between checking out rooms and some of the areas i went to alot of places these last few days, basically discovering and seeing for myself how the places looks like in (nearly) each of the LRT stations....of course, that included alot of walking ;) It was good exercise anyway, though tiring! xD

Weather here so far ok, but it can be really hot at times. Of course, the air here is worse >< everyday i can see haze around. Unavoidable, since there's so much traffic here. ><

So i guess that's it. For the current update. Haha. Hope u guys are doing fine :) do take care, i love you all!!! ^^

Wanted....

....for a job, that is! Yeap, that's right, i secured myself a job already! ><


It's been awhile since my last post isn't it. And my, what an angry post that was. Yeap i was depressed and it was a really bad week, nothing went well so yeah, i finally exploded.

But guess what, the week after everything turned out for the better, thankfully. Brother started talking to me, acknowledging my existence == but yeah, its always good when he lets me talk to him, even tho its not really talking mre like annoying each other in a playful way. xD and then things started to look up with my job search, and i started to really accept things which had happened and set myself to move on and dont think so much. ><

The week after that i got a call frm KL, from a post i applied online just for the heck of it...cos i'm kinda restless at home already and desperate to start earning money >< suffice to say after some consideration they asked me to attend an interview, which i did a week later and voila! I got the job!

Of course it wasnt easy...i was worried abt mum, the pay and alot of things...bt in the end we worked it out and yeah, i'm going to KL end of this mth, find accommodation, move in and start another chapter in my working life. I do hope everything will go smoothly!

---

KL, an even bigger city than the places i been too. Of course, with a bigger city comes bigger crimes and dangers. And i hafta really be alert when i'm there. As of right now there is a serial acid-splasher around, omg so dangerous == bt even so, KL is full of opportunities and chances, and i might have a better chance of finding what i want over there.

Also i can meet up with my KL friends. It's pretty exciting and i'm looking forward to it. Esp knowing some of my coursemates gonna move over in the future for their careers. Looks like our paths are gonna be crossed again!

Look forward to the next day with positivity! U won't be down in the doldrums forever. Next thing u know, u're lifted up again, by whatever mysterious ways the universe works. So even tho everything might seem so depressing, in the end the light will always shine through the dark clouds.

=)

Slump.

I'm at the lowest low of my life, ever.


The past week itself is evidence of that. So many problems came up, and so many old memories came up, i just felt worse and worse. I even feel disgusted at myself, for letting my old memories catch up with me, reminding me again of everything i shud've forgotten a long time ago.

How.....weak.........

Perhaps it is due to arrogance, or lack of experience, i used to think i am very strong, well, physically at least. And i really was; i was playing high-level sports regularly, i was fit, my stamina was good. I was generally stronger than most girls, and i think, it really shows....and ppl began to wonder abt me...ppl began to think of me as "that strong girl"...

And then setbacks after setbacks began....my life was thrown upside down. Well more like sideways violently. But i experienced alot of things....good and bad. It changed me so much, i can't even recognise myself now, honestly.

Psychological traumas....due to family, due to friends. I totally lost trust in people....i can only trust myself. I used to think, and sometimes i still do think, "i was ruined....perhaps forever."

Add someone who literally break my heart into pieces and then left me to fend on my own.....along the way throwing insults at me and ignoring me. WHyy??? Do u honestly i'm that strong till i can withstand all that psychological torture? I don't even have one single friend to help me get through this thing, and u had ur best friend. I don't have any best friends. I don't have anyone. I never knew i was that weak until it happened. I've seen it in movies and laughed at how silly it looks, but i never guessed it will affect me so deeply too. Hell, even those in the movies have friends who help them through....and i'm all on my on. Hah. Perhaps, even i overestimated myself, just like everyone else....

I was ruined all right. I'm not even sure now where the rest of the pieces of me went.

Now i'm jobless. School-less. Not earning money, basically just sit at home applying for jobs and waiting for news. What's worse, the internet is so helpless here it annoys the fuck out of me. How am i supposed to look for jobs online now that the internet broke? Not only that, i can't even talk to my friends. I couldnt even see what they are up to. Are they well? Surviving in school? Healthy? I can't see anything. And whenever i came online to talk to them i was always nagged to go to slp earlier. OMG!!!! Give me some time to spend with my friends, why can't my parents understand???? How often do i see them huhhhh????

No friends to talk to, fine. U wud've think at least i've my family to talk to. But NO. Never. Everyone has their own problems already. My brother doesn't like me. Dad never talks to me as much as he did to his workers or clients. Mum...she tries to talk, but sometimes we can't because she can't understand my view, and there's that generation gap thing regarding miscommunication.

I'm so alone even when i'm at home...........so so alone!!! Ok wait alone's not the word....LONELY is the word. Sometimes i wonder why i even came back....i knew back there, i had no more reasons to stay, so i left.....but here, now, i still don't know my purpose here much either.

So now i just spend my days watching films, comics, anime on my laptop. Sometimes i watch tv. Other times i play games. I basically did nothing resourceful. Instead i'm adding burden to the household. Dad doesn't say it, and mum avoids it if she can, but i know they feel it.

I'm desperate too u know?? But finding a job isn't easy, especially in my wanted field. I really don't want another admin work, another sales work, and don't even ask me abt accounts. But what choices have i left? I don't have much skill and experience in my wanted field too. WHat can i show to ppl i produced good work? I don't even like my works in uni, they look so.....fresh.

Photography? I'm suffering from artblock too. I just lost the zest....and i hardly get any inspiration anymore. Arghhhhh I'm not even sure what i wanted anymore. I don't even have my own camera, i cant realise those ideas and concepts i have in my mind. Don't even talk abt it with Dad, he's never buying me one. And i really don't want to use mum's $$$, so i hafta buy it on my own. Of course, i don't have the money yet.

I also wanted a new laptop(my current one doesn't even have a graphic card installed, how the fuck am i supposed to do videos, effects, flash vids etc etc?) and a camcorder(for filming...my first love before photography...)....add that to a DSLR and it would amt up to nearly a semester's fees. Where am i supposed to find so much money?

And i'm still owing the university money. 20k for fuck's sake. I dunno when i can pay it off unless i hit the lottery. And i dont even like gambling, so where's the chance in that? Tell you, i hate owing ppl things, esp money....hate it so much. And yet here i am.....put myself in debts just so i could learn abt multimedia.

Being a couch potato had started to show its effects....just the other day i sprinted for a few secs and i was already panting hard....i lost all my stamina....i gained weight from excessive choc eating, i don't even play sports regularly anymore. When i was working all those walking to work helped maintained my weight and finesse somehow, but now.....i feel terrible. For the first time in years....i feel weak and tired physically.

I don't think i'm healthy even....just that other day, i came down with cramps that hurt soooooo much i even gave cold sweat. I sweated so much i was wet all over. I felt close to vomiting, my head hurts, i can barely stand, my legs felt so weak. I thought i was dying.....i've never experienced such pain before. It's the worst ever. I don't even know what is wrong with me...

At the rate i'm going, either i'm going to die of cancer or kidney failure. Cancer because i keep so many things to myself, something's bound to grow. Kidney failure is cos i hardly drink water, and i eat salt like its rice. I know i shudn't be cursing myself.....i don't want those disease too. But...i just felt it, logically.

A friend recently casually asked me... "how's life? friends? work? school?" I answered her.... "no life, no friends, no work, no school.." she was so surprised. She didn't even know i left Kuching, bless her. I can't blame her, she's so far away and she hardly goes facebook. And i don't know if ppl over here talked to her since she left. Poor thing, really. But at that time, i felt i'm so much poorer....

Really. No life, no friends, no work, no school. I'm amazed i could still say it out. I'm so pathetic...i feel so, so lost. I failed in everything.....

If this is not the lowest point of my life, i dunno what is. The worst thing that can happen to u is.....u have sooo much conflicts within u, and absolutely no one to talk abt it with. It's enough to drive a person suicidal or maniacal. Honestly, i don't even know why am i still sane now....i do know that i'm extremely unhappy now. Downright depressed. Sometimes i laugh at the silliest things or joke abt the lamest things just to force myself to laugh......ppl thinks i'm crazy and lame....when really, i'm just trying to forget the sadness i have within myself....even for just one second.

I miss my friends in kch alot...now i cant even text someone just to bug or talk abt things, we're so far away. When i'm down and i feel like singing my heart out, there's no one to sing with me....when i wanna drown myself in sorrow, there's no one to drink with me....i can't even hear their laughter, can't see their smiles anymore....now even going online is such a huge mountain to climb sigh.

My friends are the ppl who unknowingly(to them) distracted me frm my demons....frm betraying myself and jumping back into my pool of old memories....i still remember how i nearly "jumped off the edge" and had a hand dramatically drag me back up from death...that hand doesn't know she did that, even until now. I was saved once...and now....if not for a few certain friends, i might've been long gone again.....

This slump.....i hate it. And it'd driving me closer and closer to being antisocial...i'm mre and mre afraid of dealing with ppl....some things happened recently...it just drained all my energy. I feel an increasing desire to avoid everyone, to run away from everyone and just be with myself. Who am i kidding, really, when it only makes me more lonely.....i dunno, i just dont feel like dealing with ppl at times...and as time goes by, less and less ppl gets chosen by me to communicate with....i'm already beginning to shun certain ppl away....

God....what's wrong with me.....i hope i'm not already crazy. At times i find myself pacing restlessly around the room, thinking abt nothing, or everything. WHy am i pacing endlessly around? I don't understand. I can't even trust my thoughts completely now, for fear they wander into unwanted or restricted areas.

Seriously, to hell with all of these.......why u all bugging me now? I didn't expect such a slump coming back here...i thought i could begin to work and earn money and live on my own but with family nearer now, bt nothing went to plans. Nothing ever follows the plans really. How ironic. Now? I have money problems, friend problems, family problems, relationship problems, work problems, school problems, health problems and god knows what problems next.

Sigh........................................................................................ a friend, bless him, reminds me to smile time to time....but now, i can't find anything to smile abt anymore.  =(((((

The irony....

Been looking for jobs for nearly 2weeks now....newspapers not much, so i even tried Jobstreet too.

And its so ironic that, i left Kuching to find jobs in Miri, but all the available vacancies are posts in Kuching. Zomggg GG!!!!

Well those are from the internet and through Jobstreet....i got a couple which is in KL too, and i'm also giving those a shot.

The problem is, alot of vacancies doesnt suit me nor is it of any of my interests....there are countless admin, accounts, engineeers, quantity surveyor, sales assistant, sales supervisor jobs available....mostly in Kuching, but in Miri too.....where's the vacancy for anything media-related? Not even an opening at the local newspaper agencies.....sighhhh.

Most of the jobs that are media-related though, are posts in KL...i get it...most of the major companies are there, the field is there, the market is there.....but even small places still got this kind of job gua???

Sigh no matter what, i'm not giving up yet. Be it KL or Miri, i'm gonna try whenever possible. As for Kuching....sigh sadly, i don't think i wanna go back to the place in such a short time. Perhaps after a couple of years maybe? Lol...

Wish me luck ppl!!! Job-hunting still going on!!! But still living like a pig at home... xDDD

Why~

Why spend time on someone who doesn't have time for you?

I keep asking myself that question.....i know better, and yet, i keep going back....

Even when i hinted so strongly in the mail, which "will be replied some other time"......

U know, since sometime ago, "some other time" or "talk to you later", already means "i'm not going to get any reply"....

So why am i still waiting?

Of course. I know why. But its so hard. I am trying tho.

Even when u keep saying we're still friends. If we are, do something about it.....i can't go on sailing this ship alone. It takes effort from both sides to hold up a friendship....

What am i to u? Looks like i'll prolly never get the answer.....and from the speed at how ur defenses went up, looks like its still bothering u....

I really wish, that i didn't leave taints.....but then, u've already seen it as a taint.

Worse, u regret it.

Too bad then. I've had enough too.

And i'm going to keep telling myself, I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There's no point in caring anymore.

I'm trying. Hard.

Someone tell me how to do it better. I must do it somehow.....

And somehow, i'll be gone before u realise it.

That's it!

Only i myself know the pain inside....

Just try hard to cover it. Just....let it go. Try, again and again.

Remember, u want her to be happy. And she is, so that's it.