Slump.

I'm at the lowest low of my life, ever.


The past week itself is evidence of that. So many problems came up, and so many old memories came up, i just felt worse and worse. I even feel disgusted at myself, for letting my old memories catch up with me, reminding me again of everything i shud've forgotten a long time ago.

How.....weak.........

Perhaps it is due to arrogance, or lack of experience, i used to think i am very strong, well, physically at least. And i really was; i was playing high-level sports regularly, i was fit, my stamina was good. I was generally stronger than most girls, and i think, it really shows....and ppl began to wonder abt me...ppl began to think of me as "that strong girl"...

And then setbacks after setbacks began....my life was thrown upside down. Well more like sideways violently. But i experienced alot of things....good and bad. It changed me so much, i can't even recognise myself now, honestly.

Psychological traumas....due to family, due to friends. I totally lost trust in people....i can only trust myself. I used to think, and sometimes i still do think, "i was ruined....perhaps forever."

Add someone who literally break my heart into pieces and then left me to fend on my own.....along the way throwing insults at me and ignoring me. WHyy??? Do u honestly i'm that strong till i can withstand all that psychological torture? I don't even have one single friend to help me get through this thing, and u had ur best friend. I don't have any best friends. I don't have anyone. I never knew i was that weak until it happened. I've seen it in movies and laughed at how silly it looks, but i never guessed it will affect me so deeply too. Hell, even those in the movies have friends who help them through....and i'm all on my on. Hah. Perhaps, even i overestimated myself, just like everyone else....

I was ruined all right. I'm not even sure now where the rest of the pieces of me went.

Now i'm jobless. School-less. Not earning money, basically just sit at home applying for jobs and waiting for news. What's worse, the internet is so helpless here it annoys the fuck out of me. How am i supposed to look for jobs online now that the internet broke? Not only that, i can't even talk to my friends. I couldnt even see what they are up to. Are they well? Surviving in school? Healthy? I can't see anything. And whenever i came online to talk to them i was always nagged to go to slp earlier. OMG!!!! Give me some time to spend with my friends, why can't my parents understand???? How often do i see them huhhhh????

No friends to talk to, fine. U wud've think at least i've my family to talk to. But NO. Never. Everyone has their own problems already. My brother doesn't like me. Dad never talks to me as much as he did to his workers or clients. Mum...she tries to talk, but sometimes we can't because she can't understand my view, and there's that generation gap thing regarding miscommunication.

I'm so alone even when i'm at home...........so so alone!!! Ok wait alone's not the word....LONELY is the word. Sometimes i wonder why i even came back....i knew back there, i had no more reasons to stay, so i left.....but here, now, i still don't know my purpose here much either.

So now i just spend my days watching films, comics, anime on my laptop. Sometimes i watch tv. Other times i play games. I basically did nothing resourceful. Instead i'm adding burden to the household. Dad doesn't say it, and mum avoids it if she can, but i know they feel it.

I'm desperate too u know?? But finding a job isn't easy, especially in my wanted field. I really don't want another admin work, another sales work, and don't even ask me abt accounts. But what choices have i left? I don't have much skill and experience in my wanted field too. WHat can i show to ppl i produced good work? I don't even like my works in uni, they look so.....fresh.

Photography? I'm suffering from artblock too. I just lost the zest....and i hardly get any inspiration anymore. Arghhhhh I'm not even sure what i wanted anymore. I don't even have my own camera, i cant realise those ideas and concepts i have in my mind. Don't even talk abt it with Dad, he's never buying me one. And i really don't want to use mum's $$$, so i hafta buy it on my own. Of course, i don't have the money yet.

I also wanted a new laptop(my current one doesn't even have a graphic card installed, how the fuck am i supposed to do videos, effects, flash vids etc etc?) and a camcorder(for filming...my first love before photography...)....add that to a DSLR and it would amt up to nearly a semester's fees. Where am i supposed to find so much money?

And i'm still owing the university money. 20k for fuck's sake. I dunno when i can pay it off unless i hit the lottery. And i dont even like gambling, so where's the chance in that? Tell you, i hate owing ppl things, esp money....hate it so much. And yet here i am.....put myself in debts just so i could learn abt multimedia.

Being a couch potato had started to show its effects....just the other day i sprinted for a few secs and i was already panting hard....i lost all my stamina....i gained weight from excessive choc eating, i don't even play sports regularly anymore. When i was working all those walking to work helped maintained my weight and finesse somehow, but now.....i feel terrible. For the first time in years....i feel weak and tired physically.

I don't think i'm healthy even....just that other day, i came down with cramps that hurt soooooo much i even gave cold sweat. I sweated so much i was wet all over. I felt close to vomiting, my head hurts, i can barely stand, my legs felt so weak. I thought i was dying.....i've never experienced such pain before. It's the worst ever. I don't even know what is wrong with me...

At the rate i'm going, either i'm going to die of cancer or kidney failure. Cancer because i keep so many things to myself, something's bound to grow. Kidney failure is cos i hardly drink water, and i eat salt like its rice. I know i shudn't be cursing myself.....i don't want those disease too. But...i just felt it, logically.

A friend recently casually asked me... "how's life? friends? work? school?" I answered her.... "no life, no friends, no work, no school.." she was so surprised. She didn't even know i left Kuching, bless her. I can't blame her, she's so far away and she hardly goes facebook. And i don't know if ppl over here talked to her since she left. Poor thing, really. But at that time, i felt i'm so much poorer....

Really. No life, no friends, no work, no school. I'm amazed i could still say it out. I'm so pathetic...i feel so, so lost. I failed in everything.....

If this is not the lowest point of my life, i dunno what is. The worst thing that can happen to u is.....u have sooo much conflicts within u, and absolutely no one to talk abt it with. It's enough to drive a person suicidal or maniacal. Honestly, i don't even know why am i still sane now....i do know that i'm extremely unhappy now. Downright depressed. Sometimes i laugh at the silliest things or joke abt the lamest things just to force myself to laugh......ppl thinks i'm crazy and lame....when really, i'm just trying to forget the sadness i have within myself....even for just one second.

I miss my friends in kch alot...now i cant even text someone just to bug or talk abt things, we're so far away. When i'm down and i feel like singing my heart out, there's no one to sing with me....when i wanna drown myself in sorrow, there's no one to drink with me....i can't even hear their laughter, can't see their smiles anymore....now even going online is such a huge mountain to climb sigh.

My friends are the ppl who unknowingly(to them) distracted me frm my demons....frm betraying myself and jumping back into my pool of old memories....i still remember how i nearly "jumped off the edge" and had a hand dramatically drag me back up from death...that hand doesn't know she did that, even until now. I was saved once...and now....if not for a few certain friends, i might've been long gone again.....

This slump.....i hate it. And it'd driving me closer and closer to being antisocial...i'm mre and mre afraid of dealing with ppl....some things happened recently...it just drained all my energy. I feel an increasing desire to avoid everyone, to run away from everyone and just be with myself. Who am i kidding, really, when it only makes me more lonely.....i dunno, i just dont feel like dealing with ppl at times...and as time goes by, less and less ppl gets chosen by me to communicate with....i'm already beginning to shun certain ppl away....

God....what's wrong with me.....i hope i'm not already crazy. At times i find myself pacing restlessly around the room, thinking abt nothing, or everything. WHy am i pacing endlessly around? I don't understand. I can't even trust my thoughts completely now, for fear they wander into unwanted or restricted areas.

Seriously, to hell with all of these.......why u all bugging me now? I didn't expect such a slump coming back here...i thought i could begin to work and earn money and live on my own but with family nearer now, bt nothing went to plans. Nothing ever follows the plans really. How ironic. Now? I have money problems, friend problems, family problems, relationship problems, work problems, school problems, health problems and god knows what problems next.

Sigh........................................................................................ a friend, bless him, reminds me to smile time to time....but now, i can't find anything to smile abt anymore.  =(((((

The irony....

Been looking for jobs for nearly 2weeks now....newspapers not much, so i even tried Jobstreet too.

And its so ironic that, i left Kuching to find jobs in Miri, but all the available vacancies are posts in Kuching. Zomggg GG!!!!

Well those are from the internet and through Jobstreet....i got a couple which is in KL too, and i'm also giving those a shot.

The problem is, alot of vacancies doesnt suit me nor is it of any of my interests....there are countless admin, accounts, engineeers, quantity surveyor, sales assistant, sales supervisor jobs available....mostly in Kuching, but in Miri too.....where's the vacancy for anything media-related? Not even an opening at the local newspaper agencies.....sighhhh.

Most of the jobs that are media-related though, are posts in KL...i get it...most of the major companies are there, the field is there, the market is there.....but even small places still got this kind of job gua???

Sigh no matter what, i'm not giving up yet. Be it KL or Miri, i'm gonna try whenever possible. As for Kuching....sigh sadly, i don't think i wanna go back to the place in such a short time. Perhaps after a couple of years maybe? Lol...

Wish me luck ppl!!! Job-hunting still going on!!! But still living like a pig at home... xDDD

Why~

Why spend time on someone who doesn't have time for you?

I keep asking myself that question.....i know better, and yet, i keep going back....

Even when i hinted so strongly in the mail, which "will be replied some other time"......

U know, since sometime ago, "some other time" or "talk to you later", already means "i'm not going to get any reply"....

So why am i still waiting?

Of course. I know why. But its so hard. I am trying tho.

Even when u keep saying we're still friends. If we are, do something about it.....i can't go on sailing this ship alone. It takes effort from both sides to hold up a friendship....

What am i to u? Looks like i'll prolly never get the answer.....and from the speed at how ur defenses went up, looks like its still bothering u....

I really wish, that i didn't leave taints.....but then, u've already seen it as a taint.

Worse, u regret it.

Too bad then. I've had enough too.

And i'm going to keep telling myself, I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There's no point in caring anymore.

I'm trying. Hard.

Someone tell me how to do it better. I must do it somehow.....

And somehow, i'll be gone before u realise it.

That's it!

Only i myself know the pain inside....

Just try hard to cover it. Just....let it go. Try, again and again.

Remember, u want her to be happy. And she is, so that's it.

Messssssyyyyyy

I'm shaking. Literally shaking. Not from the cold, but from the bomb i was just dropped.  totally never expected that....it's unbelievable. I.....I readies myself for all sorts of possibilities, and i believed i am ready for it, but when it came....omg. What a big surprise.

My mind is blank. I can't think of anything. Not even a solution. Usually these sort of problems, i can find the flaw and solution easily. But now.....my brain is just fried up. I'm still shaking as i type this. My arms, my hands. Omg. How do i help now, when i myself is falling into pieces?

This is sooooooooo messed up.

It's over!

I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you!!!!!





I AM FUCKING OVER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








I just need to tell myself that. Over and over and over again. And then it's true. Right?

Fight

I hate it, actually.


***

I hate how everytime we talk, we get into this big fight. This war of words that turns so ugly at times.

And it always ends up leaving either one of us scarred for the moment.

Funny, how we attack each other. We seem to know just which Achilles heel to charge into. Our blades filled with the most lethal of poison, our punches driven with all our energy and might.

And in the end, we just end up hurt, and exhausted. And one way or another, we give in, and apologised to the other for the things we said.

Sometimes its not "giving in", sometimes its cos.....we're both right. And we're both wrong at the same time.

Whichever it is, oddly, its the only thing we have that comes close to the word "communication".

Its like, the ONLY thing that's connecting us now. It's like.....we're MEANT to fight time and again with each other. To be frustrated by each other once awhile.

I hate this, actually. I hate it. I hate how things are like this now, and honestly i still miss the old us, before everything turned bad.


I hate this. And its eating me up slowly.....

March.

Seems like so much had happened since my last post. I can say the usual, didnt have time, too lazy, work is consuming me, line not good at home etc etc, that those are the reasons i didnt update much. I guess u get me....lols...

Anyway, i'm back home already and left Kuching for good. It had been a good two years. I loved the first year actually, in fact i loved the first 9mths so much. It has something to do with the people in it, but i'm not gonna say anymre. The second year in Kuching was......more of an emotional journey to find myself, and find my purpose. More importantly though, i had wanted to find answers.

So did i find it in the end? I would say yes, i did. Even though somehow i saw it coming and started to brace myself for it. But for me, i had learnt to let go of things. I got my closures. That was enough. In the past year, i nearly succumbed to terminal depression. I was soo depressed over stuff that i was so lost.....i even thought of giving everything up. I was an angry person most of the time. I hurt too easily. Emotionally, and physically. I was spiraling into madness....

Until, i met certain people, people who would define my life in the latter 7 or 8 mths of my stay in Kuching. I had one to thank in particular, she literally SAVED me. I talked abt this with one of my friends, abt how she managed to pull me away from jumping off the edge. And the funny thing is she doesnt even know what she'd done. And i intend to never tell her. Let's just keep things as they are for now.

So i slowly healed, and began to approach things in a new way. I thought i had lost everything then, and i know by now, my greatest mistake is letting someone be my everything. And when i lost that someone...i lost everything. I vow to never let that happen again. I guess, through all these, i am meant to learn this lesson.

Then i started to make mre new friends, but i thank my lucky stars that for once i never got to know any "bad' friends, u know, those type of ppl who will have bad influence on me. Even some friends, i got them unexpectedly. I...never, see myself as an important person. I never thought i could be that important to certain ppl. I just come and go.....and i'll be just someone they happen to "know".

I think the truth's far from that. Yes some people play those roles in my life, but i also know, through this final parting, some are more than that to me. And I am more than that to them. So thank you all, everyone i knew through my stay here. In Kuching, i learnt alot, and it is also here that i met wonderful people i gladly call my friends.


=)

*****

P/S as usual i will be in Brunei for most of the week and only in Miri in the weekends, unless we had to go during one of the weekdays if we wanna do govt stuff lol. So yeah. U guys know when i am available. =P

Quickie!!!

I'm back from vacation!!! =D

It felt odd to be back....i guess vacation got to me. Those two places are highly contrasting!!! I love it there...

I was actually back on the 19th, but was too caught up in work and posting pics in fb that i forgot to update here....lol..took alot of pics, if u're already friends with me on fb, u can browse my photos, i have 3 albums from that trip to KK @.@ THREE!!! ><

Anyways, CNY on Thursday 2/2, i'm super excited to go home!!! Will be staying in Miri first then back to KB for a few days i guess. Wanna meet up with my old friends, gosh we do need to catch up....haha... xD

Ok gonna go slp now! Need to open shop later in 6hrs time. I wonder if i can get up on time. Oh wells. Pray for me i'll take the bus on time!! xD

Vacation!!!!

*hops around excitedly* I'm going to vaaacaaaatioooonnn~~!!!! Wheeee!!!

Ok dun say me kampung la....i hardly have vacations though. Ppl keep telling me i need a break. Lol. Thanks guys =)) This would mark my first time ever travelling with friends. I'm really looking forward to it. But i dunno much, there's so many uncertainty!!!! I guess i'm just nervous...i need to calm down. Lol.

Going to fly at 11pm later at night(wtf rite? So late!!!) and right now i haven't even started packing yet O.O no worries rite now i'm actually doing a checklist of what i should pack. My main thing is to travel light so i'm not gonna pack much....so....there's still time!!! =D

*as usual, that laziness and procrastination habit of mine.....zzz...*

So i dunno if i'm gonna have internet access while i'm off, i hope there is, i dunno how i can survive without internet lmao. But i'll be off for a full week, gonna return back to Kuching next wednesday......grr...feels so short the time. Either that or i really dont wanna come back here. Whooops.

Right now it's not raining, it actually stopped cos it rained earlier, and i'm hoping the weather stays like this for the whole day, at least until i fly. There's a flight incident on Monday night where an AirAsia plane skidded off the runway upon landing cos it was too slippery, due to the heavy rain that night. I want my runway later to stay water-free!!!

Ok i think that's all for now. I'll be travelling alone at night as my friends took the earlier flight off, i think they are going to depart soon in another hour plus. Fuuh....traveling alone at night. Shall i bring my PSP? =P

Till then, take care people!! ^^