Outcast.

I don't really fit in. Come to think of it, i never fit in anywhere at all.

Ever since young, i've always felt like an outsider. Growing up in a country that is not my own. And everyone has this clique or little "groups" that they belong to. Sure, i have some friends too, that are closer to me than mere acquaintances, but at times i feel like i don't know them well at all, and they don't know me too.

So i left and went to places. Again, i was the outcast. Culture shock....as if they saw me as an alien. They don't understand why i did things certain way. Never tried to understand me, just kept assuming and assuming. Bunch of hypocrites, really, considering all those religious teachings they keep preaching. I am related by blood to them...how can they treat me this way?

When the time came to leave, i was more than glad to do so. I finally escaped them, but i find myself again in a new place. New experiences, new things to learn. I was thrilled and excited. Made new friends and hung out...then all the dramas came and i saw them for who they are. It was abit hard trying to fit into them too, but i tried. Hell, i dun even understand the language they mostly speak, i dun even spend enough time in Sarawak to last me enough conversation time with the locals, but i tried. I never fit in, right from the start.

Then i found solace in my classmates. For almost 2 sems, i felt like i finally belonged.....somewhere. Hung out and stuff. But in the back of my mind i knew, these people, i won't be with them forever...i will have to leave them someday. True, because of the financial shit going on, i left. Physically i'm still here of course, but mentally...everytime i walk back into campus and saw them, words like "I dont belong here anymre" runs thru my mind all the time...

Meanwhile, i get to meet a new bunch of friends...lovely bunch, very funny. But exist dramas too...sigh...when can we ever avoid dramas? But this one still ok..i think, with previous experiences, i learnt how to handle it somewhat. Like what they said is really true. U have to go thru certain shit so u know how to better stand against mre shit in the future. Lol.

They actually saved me....i was spiralling into madness and despair until i met them and they healed me back slowly. They don't know this...i guess they will never know what an impact they had made on my life. U know, sometimes, it's the little things that count the most. So whenever i'm with them...i felt safe. Because they want nothing from me...

Which is partly a downside too. They are a bunch  of friends themselves who went thru alot of things together. I'm the "new" kid. No, this time i didn't try to force my way in deliberately...i'm at that stage now where i'm the "if u want me there, i'll be there. if not, it's okay" type. Which is why i hardly ask them to hang out. They have their own programs...and lol, really, i am no one to ask. So i only go when i'm invited.

I'm lucky if i'm even remembered. But no worries, these people mean me no harm, and so far they didn't do anything to me, and yes i can feel it within them, they are good people. Prolly the best grp i hung out with so far, despite everything. As much as i appreciate them, i feel like i'm only loosely attached to them.

But that's alrite. I'm leaving again soon anyway.

*******

U ever wondered what is ur purpose on this world? Why do u exist? Perhaps i shall write abt this in another post, it's beginning to feel like a looong read. And i know how people gets bored easily with tonnes of words. :)