Messssssyyyyyy

I'm shaking. Literally shaking. Not from the cold, but from the bomb i was just dropped.  totally never expected that....it's unbelievable. I.....I readies myself for all sorts of possibilities, and i believed i am ready for it, but when it came....omg. What a big surprise.

My mind is blank. I can't think of anything. Not even a solution. Usually these sort of problems, i can find the flaw and solution easily. But now.....my brain is just fried up. I'm still shaking as i type this. My arms, my hands. Omg. How do i help now, when i myself is falling into pieces?

This is sooooooooo messed up.

It's over!

I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you!!!!!





I AM FUCKING OVER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








I just need to tell myself that. Over and over and over again. And then it's true. Right?

Fight

I hate it, actually.


***

I hate how everytime we talk, we get into this big fight. This war of words that turns so ugly at times.

And it always ends up leaving either one of us scarred for the moment.

Funny, how we attack each other. We seem to know just which Achilles heel to charge into. Our blades filled with the most lethal of poison, our punches driven with all our energy and might.

And in the end, we just end up hurt, and exhausted. And one way or another, we give in, and apologised to the other for the things we said.

Sometimes its not "giving in", sometimes its cos.....we're both right. And we're both wrong at the same time.

Whichever it is, oddly, its the only thing we have that comes close to the word "communication".

Its like, the ONLY thing that's connecting us now. It's like.....we're MEANT to fight time and again with each other. To be frustrated by each other once awhile.

I hate this, actually. I hate it. I hate how things are like this now, and honestly i still miss the old us, before everything turned bad.


I hate this. And its eating me up slowly.....

March.

Seems like so much had happened since my last post. I can say the usual, didnt have time, too lazy, work is consuming me, line not good at home etc etc, that those are the reasons i didnt update much. I guess u get me....lols...

Anyway, i'm back home already and left Kuching for good. It had been a good two years. I loved the first year actually, in fact i loved the first 9mths so much. It has something to do with the people in it, but i'm not gonna say anymre. The second year in Kuching was......more of an emotional journey to find myself, and find my purpose. More importantly though, i had wanted to find answers.

So did i find it in the end? I would say yes, i did. Even though somehow i saw it coming and started to brace myself for it. But for me, i had learnt to let go of things. I got my closures. That was enough. In the past year, i nearly succumbed to terminal depression. I was soo depressed over stuff that i was so lost.....i even thought of giving everything up. I was an angry person most of the time. I hurt too easily. Emotionally, and physically. I was spiraling into madness....

Until, i met certain people, people who would define my life in the latter 7 or 8 mths of my stay in Kuching. I had one to thank in particular, she literally SAVED me. I talked abt this with one of my friends, abt how she managed to pull me away from jumping off the edge. And the funny thing is she doesnt even know what she'd done. And i intend to never tell her. Let's just keep things as they are for now.

So i slowly healed, and began to approach things in a new way. I thought i had lost everything then, and i know by now, my greatest mistake is letting someone be my everything. And when i lost that someone...i lost everything. I vow to never let that happen again. I guess, through all these, i am meant to learn this lesson.

Then i started to make mre new friends, but i thank my lucky stars that for once i never got to know any "bad' friends, u know, those type of ppl who will have bad influence on me. Even some friends, i got them unexpectedly. I...never, see myself as an important person. I never thought i could be that important to certain ppl. I just come and go.....and i'll be just someone they happen to "know".

I think the truth's far from that. Yes some people play those roles in my life, but i also know, through this final parting, some are more than that to me. And I am more than that to them. So thank you all, everyone i knew through my stay here. In Kuching, i learnt alot, and it is also here that i met wonderful people i gladly call my friends.


=)

*****

P/S as usual i will be in Brunei for most of the week and only in Miri in the weekends, unless we had to go during one of the weekdays if we wanna do govt stuff lol. So yeah. U guys know when i am available. =P

Quickie!!!

I'm back from vacation!!! =D

It felt odd to be back....i guess vacation got to me. Those two places are highly contrasting!!! I love it there...

I was actually back on the 19th, but was too caught up in work and posting pics in fb that i forgot to update here....lol..took alot of pics, if u're already friends with me on fb, u can browse my photos, i have 3 albums from that trip to KK @.@ THREE!!! ><

Anyways, CNY on Thursday 2/2, i'm super excited to go home!!! Will be staying in Miri first then back to KB for a few days i guess. Wanna meet up with my old friends, gosh we do need to catch up....haha... xD

Ok gonna go slp now! Need to open shop later in 6hrs time. I wonder if i can get up on time. Oh wells. Pray for me i'll take the bus on time!! xD

Vacation!!!!

*hops around excitedly* I'm going to vaaacaaaatioooonnn~~!!!! Wheeee!!!

Ok dun say me kampung la....i hardly have vacations though. Ppl keep telling me i need a break. Lol. Thanks guys =)) This would mark my first time ever travelling with friends. I'm really looking forward to it. But i dunno much, there's so many uncertainty!!!! I guess i'm just nervous...i need to calm down. Lol.

Going to fly at 11pm later at night(wtf rite? So late!!!) and right now i haven't even started packing yet O.O no worries rite now i'm actually doing a checklist of what i should pack. My main thing is to travel light so i'm not gonna pack much....so....there's still time!!! =D

*as usual, that laziness and procrastination habit of mine.....zzz...*

So i dunno if i'm gonna have internet access while i'm off, i hope there is, i dunno how i can survive without internet lmao. But i'll be off for a full week, gonna return back to Kuching next wednesday......grr...feels so short the time. Either that or i really dont wanna come back here. Whooops.

Right now it's not raining, it actually stopped cos it rained earlier, and i'm hoping the weather stays like this for the whole day, at least until i fly. There's a flight incident on Monday night where an AirAsia plane skidded off the runway upon landing cos it was too slippery, due to the heavy rain that night. I want my runway later to stay water-free!!!

Ok i think that's all for now. I'll be travelling alone at night as my friends took the earlier flight off, i think they are going to depart soon in another hour plus. Fuuh....traveling alone at night. Shall i bring my PSP? =P

Till then, take care people!! ^^

Dark Jacket.

I have a jacket i never seem to wear. Not because i don't like it, but because....我不舍得。我就是不舍得拿来穿。。。

Its a black hoodie jacket my previous colleagues got me as a farewell gift when i left abt two years ago. Even when they gave me, it took me around more than 6mths to finally wear it. =.=

I have this sort of....fetish? Attitude? I dunno what is the right word...but yeah. I have this sort of "thinking"....when ppl give me stuff i deemed "precious" to me, i will *not* use it...like my friend once gave me a bottle of perfume...and i dunno, it just seemed such a lavish gift to me, and till now i haven't use it... >.<

I did tell my colleagues abt this...abt not using certain stuff cos it was too "precious" to me...i told them that when they asked me to take a pic of myself wearing it. One of them then said to me "Cannot like that....u must wear it to honour ur present....to honour us, ur gift-givers!"

She has a point though.

But still it took me mre than 6mths before i finally wear it(of course i did wash it before zzz)...started to wear it to classes where i know the classroom will be cold, and started to wear it to cinema....damn cold places especially the campus library =.=

Given the level of preciousness this jacket is to me(among other reasons too, like the fact it's one of the better quality clothing i have in my list, and how warm it is (= ), it is very obvious that i will not share it with anyone else. U know some ppl will borrow jackets and stuff, but i was kinda glad no one asked for mine....cos i'm not sure i would've liked it if i had to share it with someone. It's my personal.....thing.

But i shared it with YOU.

Silly you. Forgot to bring it, knowing full well we're going for a movie for the night. The others had on their hoodies as well, except u. So i gave u mine....i can't bear to see u in cold like that. And this, i gave, without hesitation.....i kinda liked it when u are wearing my jacket tho. I was smiling inside...

U looked funny in my jacket. It was too big. Haha. And i knew....back then, when i passed u the jacket, that u meant more to me than anything i could've ever dare imagined. That i'm in deep shit. Sigh.

U wore it until i had to step down frm the car when we went back home. I remember taking it from u and wearing it and liking the warmth u left behind. And i remember smiling all the way while walking back to my room lol. I know, what an idiot. =P

That, now that i look back, seems like ages ago. Things happened, we fell out. And i went back to never wearing the jacket again. Even when i knew i was gonna freeze to death in whichever places i was gonna be in later. The library, the lab, the cinema. I now prefer to wear my other cheaper jacket which i bought years ago. Material is thin, hoodie is too small for my head, but at least another layer of shirt will keep me slightly warmer.

I was wearing it when i was walking back home just now from the cinema. It was raining and windy, so the night's chilly. And as i looked at my brother's comfy black hoodie jacket, i thought of mine folded nicely in my huge luggage back in my apartment.

I haven't worn it in a year.

And all the while i was walking back, i thought of it and the choice of not wearing it. Wearing it brings back the memories....and although i had accepted everything that happened, i still can't deny the fact that now, after everything that has happened, the jacket is now ultra-precious to me.

I will wear it again, no worries. In fact, i look forward to premiering it again soon. Haha. But one thing is for sure....i will NEVER share it with anyone, anymore.

Because u wore it before. And i want u to be the only person other than me who has worn it. U dun have to know this....i'm sure u dun want to know this. But i'll just keep this to myself. Now that i'm leaving...and i'm leaving u, this will be the last item i can remember u by. And also my ex-colleagues, whom i'd rarely keep in touch now...hmmm...

This is the story of a jacket i own and hardly wear.



P/S Really, dun gimme that "It's ONLY a jacket." thing. That shows how much ppl don't understand.

Last day.

Spent the (most of) 10/01/11 with my brother. I'd slept the whole day away, awaking at 2pm, which is a first...hmm.

He's leaving this Saturday back to Miri, back to Brunei, back to our parents. Leaving here for good. And since i'm going off on my own vacation tmr, i could only spend this Monday with him.

As usual we hung out at the Spring(where else? lol). Weather isn't good, it was raining as i walked out of the house. Luckily for me, it was raining lightly. "Whispers" of rain, i call it.

Met up, had dinner in KFC, and walked around. He wanted to buy shoes. I wanted to look for beach shorts(i realise i dun have a proper beach short!). In the end i got myself a pair, but he couldn't find a suitable shoe. I think it's best for him to browse and buy back home. There's still time, anyway.

Then we ran out of things to do. Both of us didn't want to end the night so early though...it is the last day we hang out in this place after all. Gotta make it different. So we went up and checked out what movie was showing. He wanted to see Paranormal Activity 2. In the end we watched "The Tourist", mainly because i dun wanna watch "Paranormal", as i'm not a huge fan of that genre.

Went to the last show of the night(10.30pm) and we came out at midnight with the sky...raining hard. And none of us brought umbrellas(i hardly bring umbrella out these days cos its so inconvenient zzz) so we're basically like, stuck in spring. Sat down in the outdoor chairs in Starbucks warming ourselves up from the cold of the cinema.

Soon the rain fell lighter and seizing the opportunity we began to walk back. Huge puddles everywhere and i'm worried we'll be showered by passing cars. Thankfully it didn't happen and we made it back safely. What's odd is that....soon after we're safely back in our rooms, it began to rain hard again...

It's as if God knows we've to walk back and slowed down the rain for us until we got back home.

No matter that is the case or not(ppl will still argue it's just by chance, that the wind blew the heavy clouds off etc etc....), thank u to the universe. =) The movie was okay, and i hope he enjoyed himself. Cos i did.

Why?

"Why" is a powerful word. It drives people's curiosity. It motivates people to keep going forward to search for the answer. The answer to everything. Why things exist as they are now. Why do WE exist.

Unfortunately, "why" is also a very annoying question. Exasperating, even.



******

Why do i exist in this world? What is my purpose, having put on Earth by God? What am i here to achieve?

To be honest, i wanna know the answer too. But i guess no one really knows. Until at least they made some certain impact, i guess. So i have ideas, a few actually. Of why i'm here.

Here are just train of thoughts. Pardon me, but my mind is on overdrive tonite, and i must write..since i find it hard to explain to people.

~~~~~

For now, i just see myself as a "drifter". I drift from places to places, people to people, from a certain time to a certain time. Its as if i exist in stages. Stages of other people's life, not my own...

I'd like to think of it as a two-way thing. I've always thought things in this world are mutual, are in a circle. In other words, what goes around comes around. Things always exist in duos, in twos, often stark contrast of each other. Men & women. Black & white. Yin & yang.

So if i exist in someone's life for a reason, then it is the same too. They must've had to exist in my life for a certain reason too.

Perhaps my life is a life of constant learning. And somehow it is my job to preach it to others. Some selective individuals not mine for the choosing. I dunno. I somehow seem to meet sumone who goes thru something mre or less similar to me, and i find myself helping them, and in a way, them helping me too. I'm glad and thankful for it. Because i need to know my mistakes too.

Perhaps this is why i never fit in anywhere, because i go thru "stages". It's like in games...where u go to a new world and its checkpoints and u start a new adventure. And u meet new allies and new enemies...but no matter what, for sure u will gain something out of it....memories, experiences. And for sure, u will lose something too...innocence, fear, among others..

But what is most important is, YOU LEARN.

And when u're done with ur "mission" in one place, it is time to leave...perhaps not all the time on ur own wish, but things will happen that ultimately results in u leaving...because, that's where u're supposed to be heading. A new place. Life continues, ppl move on. New things to discover, new things to learn.


~~~~~~

I guess, in a way, that's probably why i stopped asking "why". Why certain things happened to me. Why is that particular door closed. Why do i have to suffer. Why this, why that. I felt....its really whiny. In time i learnt to lessen the "why's" and start to accept and find out the answer, rather than sitting there and waiting for someone to answer my question. No one knows really, except God.

And God will tell u in His way. So be patient, and be alert. He will push u to see the answer!

Have faith in knowing that, and don't worry so much. Let God do the worrying(sorry!), u just go with the flow....

And if it means my river is flowing continuously and i can only stop at jetties for a short while, then so be it.



P/S
- these are thoughts...stuff i analysed and deduced from my own life experiences....i'm not saying this applies to everyone, perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn't. I'm not sure if there's any rules to that, but this is just how i see it. Agree? Disagree? Always happy for a discussion. Btw, what do u think ur purpose of existence is?

Outcast.

I don't really fit in. Come to think of it, i never fit in anywhere at all.

Ever since young, i've always felt like an outsider. Growing up in a country that is not my own. And everyone has this clique or little "groups" that they belong to. Sure, i have some friends too, that are closer to me than mere acquaintances, but at times i feel like i don't know them well at all, and they don't know me too.

So i left and went to places. Again, i was the outcast. Culture shock....as if they saw me as an alien. They don't understand why i did things certain way. Never tried to understand me, just kept assuming and assuming. Bunch of hypocrites, really, considering all those religious teachings they keep preaching. I am related by blood to them...how can they treat me this way?

When the time came to leave, i was more than glad to do so. I finally escaped them, but i find myself again in a new place. New experiences, new things to learn. I was thrilled and excited. Made new friends and hung out...then all the dramas came and i saw them for who they are. It was abit hard trying to fit into them too, but i tried. Hell, i dun even understand the language they mostly speak, i dun even spend enough time in Sarawak to last me enough conversation time with the locals, but i tried. I never fit in, right from the start.

Then i found solace in my classmates. For almost 2 sems, i felt like i finally belonged.....somewhere. Hung out and stuff. But in the back of my mind i knew, these people, i won't be with them forever...i will have to leave them someday. True, because of the financial shit going on, i left. Physically i'm still here of course, but mentally...everytime i walk back into campus and saw them, words like "I dont belong here anymre" runs thru my mind all the time...

Meanwhile, i get to meet a new bunch of friends...lovely bunch, very funny. But exist dramas too...sigh...when can we ever avoid dramas? But this one still ok..i think, with previous experiences, i learnt how to handle it somewhat. Like what they said is really true. U have to go thru certain shit so u know how to better stand against mre shit in the future. Lol.

They actually saved me....i was spiralling into madness and despair until i met them and they healed me back slowly. They don't know this...i guess they will never know what an impact they had made on my life. U know, sometimes, it's the little things that count the most. So whenever i'm with them...i felt safe. Because they want nothing from me...

Which is partly a downside too. They are a bunch  of friends themselves who went thru alot of things together. I'm the "new" kid. No, this time i didn't try to force my way in deliberately...i'm at that stage now where i'm the "if u want me there, i'll be there. if not, it's okay" type. Which is why i hardly ask them to hang out. They have their own programs...and lol, really, i am no one to ask. So i only go when i'm invited.

I'm lucky if i'm even remembered. But no worries, these people mean me no harm, and so far they didn't do anything to me, and yes i can feel it within them, they are good people. Prolly the best grp i hung out with so far, despite everything. As much as i appreciate them, i feel like i'm only loosely attached to them.

But that's alrite. I'm leaving again soon anyway.

*******

U ever wondered what is ur purpose on this world? Why do u exist? Perhaps i shall write abt this in another post, it's beginning to feel like a looong read. And i know how people gets bored easily with tonnes of words. :)