The irony....

Been looking for jobs for nearly 2weeks now....newspapers not much, so i even tried Jobstreet too.

And its so ironic that, i left Kuching to find jobs in Miri, but all the available vacancies are posts in Kuching. Zomggg GG!!!!

Well those are from the internet and through Jobstreet....i got a couple which is in KL too, and i'm also giving those a shot.

The problem is, alot of vacancies doesnt suit me nor is it of any of my interests....there are countless admin, accounts, engineeers, quantity surveyor, sales assistant, sales supervisor jobs available....mostly in Kuching, but in Miri too.....where's the vacancy for anything media-related? Not even an opening at the local newspaper agencies.....sighhhh.

Most of the jobs that are media-related though, are posts in KL...i get it...most of the major companies are there, the field is there, the market is there.....but even small places still got this kind of job gua???

Sigh no matter what, i'm not giving up yet. Be it KL or Miri, i'm gonna try whenever possible. As for Kuching....sigh sadly, i don't think i wanna go back to the place in such a short time. Perhaps after a couple of years maybe? Lol...

Wish me luck ppl!!! Job-hunting still going on!!! But still living like a pig at home... xDDD

Why~

Why spend time on someone who doesn't have time for you?

I keep asking myself that question.....i know better, and yet, i keep going back....

Even when i hinted so strongly in the mail, which "will be replied some other time"......

U know, since sometime ago, "some other time" or "talk to you later", already means "i'm not going to get any reply"....

So why am i still waiting?

Of course. I know why. But its so hard. I am trying tho.

Even when u keep saying we're still friends. If we are, do something about it.....i can't go on sailing this ship alone. It takes effort from both sides to hold up a friendship....

What am i to u? Looks like i'll prolly never get the answer.....and from the speed at how ur defenses went up, looks like its still bothering u....

I really wish, that i didn't leave taints.....but then, u've already seen it as a taint.

Worse, u regret it.

Too bad then. I've had enough too.

And i'm going to keep telling myself, I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There's no point in caring anymore.

I'm trying. Hard.

Someone tell me how to do it better. I must do it somehow.....

And somehow, i'll be gone before u realise it.

That's it!

Only i myself know the pain inside....

Just try hard to cover it. Just....let it go. Try, again and again.

Remember, u want her to be happy. And she is, so that's it.

Messssssyyyyyy

I'm shaking. Literally shaking. Not from the cold, but from the bomb i was just dropped.  totally never expected that....it's unbelievable. I.....I readies myself for all sorts of possibilities, and i believed i am ready for it, but when it came....omg. What a big surprise.

My mind is blank. I can't think of anything. Not even a solution. Usually these sort of problems, i can find the flaw and solution easily. But now.....my brain is just fried up. I'm still shaking as i type this. My arms, my hands. Omg. How do i help now, when i myself is falling into pieces?

This is sooooooooo messed up.

It's over!

I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over youI'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you I'm over you!!!!!





I AM FUCKING OVER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








I just need to tell myself that. Over and over and over again. And then it's true. Right?

Fight

I hate it, actually.


***

I hate how everytime we talk, we get into this big fight. This war of words that turns so ugly at times.

And it always ends up leaving either one of us scarred for the moment.

Funny, how we attack each other. We seem to know just which Achilles heel to charge into. Our blades filled with the most lethal of poison, our punches driven with all our energy and might.

And in the end, we just end up hurt, and exhausted. And one way or another, we give in, and apologised to the other for the things we said.

Sometimes its not "giving in", sometimes its cos.....we're both right. And we're both wrong at the same time.

Whichever it is, oddly, its the only thing we have that comes close to the word "communication".

Its like, the ONLY thing that's connecting us now. It's like.....we're MEANT to fight time and again with each other. To be frustrated by each other once awhile.

I hate this, actually. I hate it. I hate how things are like this now, and honestly i still miss the old us, before everything turned bad.


I hate this. And its eating me up slowly.....

March.

Seems like so much had happened since my last post. I can say the usual, didnt have time, too lazy, work is consuming me, line not good at home etc etc, that those are the reasons i didnt update much. I guess u get me....lols...

Anyway, i'm back home already and left Kuching for good. It had been a good two years. I loved the first year actually, in fact i loved the first 9mths so much. It has something to do with the people in it, but i'm not gonna say anymre. The second year in Kuching was......more of an emotional journey to find myself, and find my purpose. More importantly though, i had wanted to find answers.

So did i find it in the end? I would say yes, i did. Even though somehow i saw it coming and started to brace myself for it. But for me, i had learnt to let go of things. I got my closures. That was enough. In the past year, i nearly succumbed to terminal depression. I was soo depressed over stuff that i was so lost.....i even thought of giving everything up. I was an angry person most of the time. I hurt too easily. Emotionally, and physically. I was spiraling into madness....

Until, i met certain people, people who would define my life in the latter 7 or 8 mths of my stay in Kuching. I had one to thank in particular, she literally SAVED me. I talked abt this with one of my friends, abt how she managed to pull me away from jumping off the edge. And the funny thing is she doesnt even know what she'd done. And i intend to never tell her. Let's just keep things as they are for now.

So i slowly healed, and began to approach things in a new way. I thought i had lost everything then, and i know by now, my greatest mistake is letting someone be my everything. And when i lost that someone...i lost everything. I vow to never let that happen again. I guess, through all these, i am meant to learn this lesson.

Then i started to make mre new friends, but i thank my lucky stars that for once i never got to know any "bad' friends, u know, those type of ppl who will have bad influence on me. Even some friends, i got them unexpectedly. I...never, see myself as an important person. I never thought i could be that important to certain ppl. I just come and go.....and i'll be just someone they happen to "know".

I think the truth's far from that. Yes some people play those roles in my life, but i also know, through this final parting, some are more than that to me. And I am more than that to them. So thank you all, everyone i knew through my stay here. In Kuching, i learnt alot, and it is also here that i met wonderful people i gladly call my friends.


=)

*****

P/S as usual i will be in Brunei for most of the week and only in Miri in the weekends, unless we had to go during one of the weekdays if we wanna do govt stuff lol. So yeah. U guys know when i am available. =P

Quickie!!!

I'm back from vacation!!! =D

It felt odd to be back....i guess vacation got to me. Those two places are highly contrasting!!! I love it there...

I was actually back on the 19th, but was too caught up in work and posting pics in fb that i forgot to update here....lol..took alot of pics, if u're already friends with me on fb, u can browse my photos, i have 3 albums from that trip to KK @.@ THREE!!! ><

Anyways, CNY on Thursday 2/2, i'm super excited to go home!!! Will be staying in Miri first then back to KB for a few days i guess. Wanna meet up with my old friends, gosh we do need to catch up....haha... xD

Ok gonna go slp now! Need to open shop later in 6hrs time. I wonder if i can get up on time. Oh wells. Pray for me i'll take the bus on time!! xD

Vacation!!!!

*hops around excitedly* I'm going to vaaacaaaatioooonnn~~!!!! Wheeee!!!

Ok dun say me kampung la....i hardly have vacations though. Ppl keep telling me i need a break. Lol. Thanks guys =)) This would mark my first time ever travelling with friends. I'm really looking forward to it. But i dunno much, there's so many uncertainty!!!! I guess i'm just nervous...i need to calm down. Lol.

Going to fly at 11pm later at night(wtf rite? So late!!!) and right now i haven't even started packing yet O.O no worries rite now i'm actually doing a checklist of what i should pack. My main thing is to travel light so i'm not gonna pack much....so....there's still time!!! =D

*as usual, that laziness and procrastination habit of mine.....zzz...*

So i dunno if i'm gonna have internet access while i'm off, i hope there is, i dunno how i can survive without internet lmao. But i'll be off for a full week, gonna return back to Kuching next wednesday......grr...feels so short the time. Either that or i really dont wanna come back here. Whooops.

Right now it's not raining, it actually stopped cos it rained earlier, and i'm hoping the weather stays like this for the whole day, at least until i fly. There's a flight incident on Monday night where an AirAsia plane skidded off the runway upon landing cos it was too slippery, due to the heavy rain that night. I want my runway later to stay water-free!!!

Ok i think that's all for now. I'll be travelling alone at night as my friends took the earlier flight off, i think they are going to depart soon in another hour plus. Fuuh....traveling alone at night. Shall i bring my PSP? =P

Till then, take care people!! ^^

Dark Jacket.

I have a jacket i never seem to wear. Not because i don't like it, but because....我不舍得。我就是不舍得拿来穿。。。

Its a black hoodie jacket my previous colleagues got me as a farewell gift when i left abt two years ago. Even when they gave me, it took me around more than 6mths to finally wear it. =.=

I have this sort of....fetish? Attitude? I dunno what is the right word...but yeah. I have this sort of "thinking"....when ppl give me stuff i deemed "precious" to me, i will *not* use it...like my friend once gave me a bottle of perfume...and i dunno, it just seemed such a lavish gift to me, and till now i haven't use it... >.<

I did tell my colleagues abt this...abt not using certain stuff cos it was too "precious" to me...i told them that when they asked me to take a pic of myself wearing it. One of them then said to me "Cannot like that....u must wear it to honour ur present....to honour us, ur gift-givers!"

She has a point though.

But still it took me mre than 6mths before i finally wear it(of course i did wash it before zzz)...started to wear it to classes where i know the classroom will be cold, and started to wear it to cinema....damn cold places especially the campus library =.=

Given the level of preciousness this jacket is to me(among other reasons too, like the fact it's one of the better quality clothing i have in my list, and how warm it is (= ), it is very obvious that i will not share it with anyone else. U know some ppl will borrow jackets and stuff, but i was kinda glad no one asked for mine....cos i'm not sure i would've liked it if i had to share it with someone. It's my personal.....thing.

But i shared it with YOU.

Silly you. Forgot to bring it, knowing full well we're going for a movie for the night. The others had on their hoodies as well, except u. So i gave u mine....i can't bear to see u in cold like that. And this, i gave, without hesitation.....i kinda liked it when u are wearing my jacket tho. I was smiling inside...

U looked funny in my jacket. It was too big. Haha. And i knew....back then, when i passed u the jacket, that u meant more to me than anything i could've ever dare imagined. That i'm in deep shit. Sigh.

U wore it until i had to step down frm the car when we went back home. I remember taking it from u and wearing it and liking the warmth u left behind. And i remember smiling all the way while walking back to my room lol. I know, what an idiot. =P

That, now that i look back, seems like ages ago. Things happened, we fell out. And i went back to never wearing the jacket again. Even when i knew i was gonna freeze to death in whichever places i was gonna be in later. The library, the lab, the cinema. I now prefer to wear my other cheaper jacket which i bought years ago. Material is thin, hoodie is too small for my head, but at least another layer of shirt will keep me slightly warmer.

I was wearing it when i was walking back home just now from the cinema. It was raining and windy, so the night's chilly. And as i looked at my brother's comfy black hoodie jacket, i thought of mine folded nicely in my huge luggage back in my apartment.

I haven't worn it in a year.

And all the while i was walking back, i thought of it and the choice of not wearing it. Wearing it brings back the memories....and although i had accepted everything that happened, i still can't deny the fact that now, after everything that has happened, the jacket is now ultra-precious to me.

I will wear it again, no worries. In fact, i look forward to premiering it again soon. Haha. But one thing is for sure....i will NEVER share it with anyone, anymore.

Because u wore it before. And i want u to be the only person other than me who has worn it. U dun have to know this....i'm sure u dun want to know this. But i'll just keep this to myself. Now that i'm leaving...and i'm leaving u, this will be the last item i can remember u by. And also my ex-colleagues, whom i'd rarely keep in touch now...hmmm...

This is the story of a jacket i own and hardly wear.



P/S Really, dun gimme that "It's ONLY a jacket." thing. That shows how much ppl don't understand.